A Biopsy and Hospital Observations

Yesterday I had a biopsy on my kidney. If you’re not aware a biopsy is when they take a piece (specimen if you’re fancy) of your living body out to study- a necessary evil for me. The process was okay? I don’t know how to review a needle going into your body and taking pieces out while hopefully avoiding internal bleeding and other complications other than okay. It started off with an IV in the wrist, ugh, mental complaints were made, I’m not going to complain to a hospital of overworked and underappreciated people. Then I told them I get nauseous from sedation, which I genuinely do and in the past have been offered something for it- their response was to ask if I didn’t want sedation….

It was in that moment that I thought maybe I should have a tattoo that says “if sedation is an option, the answer is yes.” Call me weak, call me a baby- I don’t care. Dentist- sedation, tattoos- sedation, kid passionately describing a YouTube video- sedation- you get the point.

Anyways after it was clearly established that sedation was going to happen and if I wanted to throw up, oh well…..

…. I was wheeled in for the biopsy and given Verced (happy) and Fentanyl (holy shit), rolled over and had blankets draped on my back- that was actually nice. Then I got a bunch of lidocaine injected into my back which hurt then the actual biopsy took place which I could not feel at all. All I heard was a clicking or popping sound- don’t know if it was my body or the instrument and didn’t care to ask. The actual procedure took about 20 minutes and wasn’t bad other than the hospital bed not being made to accommodate a 6’3” person so my feet randomly would be slammed into by someone maneuvering around the bed (I didn’t hear ‘oh shit’ at any time so that’s good).

I was wheeled into recovery for about an hour to ensure my vitals were okay and then discharged and told to hopefully not bleed internally, thanks, I’ll try my hardest. Big thanks to my parents for the ride home, I remember most of it.

So with the procedure only lasting 20 minutes I had a lot of time to do nothing. Here’s some observations:

• Hopefully you get a bed next to the nurses station- you can hear them talk about everybody- just hopefully not you.

• Hospital entrances are crazy- fountains? sculptures? crazy art? This is the place you come when you’re sick, hurt, or possibly to die. Hey you have cancer? Look at this fountain! America, so much water we shoot it in the air!

• Without fail, every waiting room that has a TV has one of two things (both if you’re lucky)- an employee who changes the channel to whatever they want or an employee that watches the TV from 5 inches away. Every. Single. Time.

• IVs- is the most modern way to find the vein using the blue rubber strap still? With all the advancements we’re still using pieces of a blue shredded whoopie cushion?

• Does every waiting room have to have a person coughing at all times? COVID hysteria aside, the coughing person is the ambient noise of hospital waiting rooms.

• Can we stop asking for money the second I check in? I’m here for fun cancer stuff and I’d rather not dampen the mood with you and your fountains needing my money immediately.

• Is there an artist that designs stock art for hospital divider curtains? Do they know it’s used there? Is it the same guy who designs the blue and pink Styrofoam cups?

• Can everyone collectively tell their parents, aunts, uncles, etc. that they don’t need to discuss their medical ailments on speaker phone?

• and finally- male doctors- I have to wear a hair net for my hair on my head for a biopsy for my kidney but your Tom Selleck chest hair can flow in the wind? #nomorevnecksformaledoctors