Another Year

New Year’s Eve’s hottest spot is the hospital.

And I wasn’t alone- it seems every other cancer patient online was also getting treatment or at the hospital. It is only fitting I close out the year where I spend the most time both physically and mentally. (I was there for scheduled labs and my Xgeva shot).

Alas, that was yesterday and here we are in 2025. I gave up on resolutions years ago. I’ve done the gym ones, the diet ones, reading and many more. Just because I label it a resolution doesn’t mean I’m any more likely to do it. That’s not to say I don’t want to be better for myself and those around me. But how?

I titled this post “Another Year.” A big part of my thinking goes to the mindset of “another year of pain, fatigue, worry, fear and so on and so on”- and my mind will always go there I think. But I’m also trying to force myself into the mindset of “another year I hopefully make it through. Another year I celebrate being alive.” Easier typed than done but it’s something to work towards.

As mentioned before, yesterday I was at the hospital. One of the toughest things I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks is if this is my last or second to last holiday season. I’d be lying if I said it was a 50/50 split between fear/worrying and living in the moment, in reality it’s probably 75/25 in favor of the fear and worrying. I want to live in the moment and soak it all in but it’s increasingly difficult because- barring a miracle- nothing I really do will drastically affect my time left. That doesn’t mean I won’t try and work towards that goal but I have to be realistic with myself. Ignoring the fear completely won’t settle my worries and sitting in them completely won’t make them go away either.

I actually don’t know but I just wanted to use that gif. I know what the conventional wisdom is: “live in the moment, celebrate the time I have left, don’t dwell on the hard times, be present, and so on.” And I want to do all that…… but it’s not easy. But neither is dying quickly while life’s brightest and best moments are highlighted daily- laying out the devastating losses to come, each day harder than the last.

Buuuuuut let’s not end on that. As the cancer/chronically ill/special needs communities say: New Year, New Deductible. So good luck to everyone trying to meet their deductibles by the end of the month.

And the only New Year gif you need:

-Joe