B9. B9. B9. Bingo!

Joe Jantke

Oct 26, 2023

It’s been awhile (insert Staind reference here). So let’s go through the last two weeks together shall we?

MRI

If you don’t know what an MRI is, just picture a circular casket with the ends open.

It’s like a cold mechanical butthole. Also, if you don’t know what an MRI is congratulations! You’re either in excellent health or you live in America and can’t afford one. Either way:

But if you haven’t had one in awhile lucky for you I’ll explain the experience. So you’re loaded head first into the butthole and if you have a brain MRI like I did you get to rest inside of a comfortable hard plastic head cage, fit with one tiny pad that will surely maintain your comfort. The best part- you get ear plugs AND headphones because this modern medical marvel screams with the power of a thousand dying suns.

As you are slowly fed into what feels like a straw with a millimeter of room around you everyone runs out of the room- a sure sign that this is safe for you to go through on a regular basis. Luckily this usually only lasts about 45 minutes and you must lie completely still.

Now that we’re caught up on this relaxing spa service, I did have an MRI on my pituitary gland. Earlier this year a pituitary microadenoma was noted. Long story short, it’s a tumor on the pituitary gland that is more often than not benign. There was slight growth from 7mm to 10mm but since I have no symptoms at this time surveillance is the route forward.

Thyroid Biopsies

That’s right, plural. I went in for what I thought was one biopsy but got two.

So the cool thing about a thyroid biopsy is that you have to get down to your underwear and socks and a gown for them to barely show your shoulders. Perverted I know. Anyways, it is an interesting process. No anesthesia is administered because there are no nerve endings in the thyroid I am told? So you get lidocaine injected into both sides of your neck and I like to consider myself not a baby but I’ve never had that burning sensation before. Here’s a professional reenactment:

So as I laid there answering questions about Taylor Swift bracelets and movie experiences while holding my neck completely still the biopsies started. Those were painless and I really only felt a little pressure. The actual sampling felt like this scene but without pain:

So results- well they did the maximum number of samples on each side which is three. Even though after they said maybe we’ll do one more- very process oriented it sounded like. Anyways the reason for all the samples was because they could not get sufficient tissue to sample. Which they initially said was good but also said my treatments may be effecting this.

So left thyroid, inconclusive due to insufficient cellularity. In layman’s terms, your cells we got sucked loser. Right thyroid showed Benign Lymphoid Tissue and Chronic Lymphocytic Thyroiditis. So benign is good of course however I have skepticism since it was said at least 5 times that they weren’t getting good samples. So who knows? And the other medical term above- upon googling that it’s Hashimoto’s disease. Not to simplify but essentially it is an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid resulting in a decline in hormone production (hypothyroidism). Again, this is a simplification and I know some amazing people who have it that probably could provide a lot more color there. But for me, my thyroid is shit anyways from treatment so that concern is not high for me.

I will never miss a chance to slide a Roadhouse or Parks and Rec reference in.

“Recovery” was not bad really. It was like a sore throat but no itchy or scratch feelings. Pro tip, if you ever do have one done, don’t try to have a yelling game with your daughter- that will hurt you.

What now?

Well I still have fuckin cancer so not much else new. I have my next scans in about a month so we’ll see if there’s growth on those. But really not much has changed? I know not the rah rah ending you wanted but as someone told me, try to enjoy the good while I can and stop being a little bitch. Okay, I added the last part but you get the point.

I am on a medicine break from the Cabo but have not noticed any decrease in side effects yet. I still have an infusion next week of Opdivo which I like to think doesn’t cause as many issues but I’m not a doctor.