Cancer? I hardly know her!

First off I must apologize for that horrible joke. I have had it in my back pocket for months and as any dad will tell you, the only thing worse than a bad joke is a joke that goes unsaid.

Does this award winning joke tie into today’s post? Yes of course (very very loosely).

This is the very loose connection. So I am a part of a few online cancer groups, discords, etc and this podcast above has been creating a stir. As I deal with painful feet still I soak my feed for about 30 minutes every morning and night. While doing this I often listen to music or watch something to pass the time. Well after seeing this podcast shared over and over I decided to give it a try. Long story short it is about Amanda C Reilly who is alleged to fake having cancer and defrauding tons of people. It’s a true crime podcast with only 8 episodes and it is amazing. I won’t give any spoilers away but go listen to it. I am about to start the final episode later today.

I don’t claim to speak for anyone else going through cancer but one of the reasons this is so good and infuriating and maddening is because it centers around helping.

Help for me is tough. I have also heard this from others too so I know I’m not alone but again, I don’t want to generalize all cancer patients. Is it pride? Is it vulnerability? Is it something else? Yes to all. Asking for, receiving and accepting help is a challenge at times.

Here is a sampling of some of the thoughts and feelings that go through my head when help is offered:

• Guilt

• “Well I’m better off than others, why should I get help?”

• “People are going to view me as weak”

• “I’m less than”

• “Why can’t I be one of these hero stories where I do it all myself?”

• “I’m not a saintly person- there are others who deserve this far more”

• “What if cancer just keeps coming back? Are people wasting their charity on me?”

There’s other thoughts too that I KNOW are irrational and are just those of a mind spiraling when left to its own devices but they happen. And to be clear, no one panic - I’m not thinking any of this right now. I am okay.

So someone scamming people based on this extremely vulnerable and sensitive situation is disgusting, appalling, and every other nasty adjective you can think of. Again, I don’t want to spoil this for anyone but kids were involved in this story too- it’s a bad bad story that has lots of twists and turns. I think everyone has done something wrong at one point in their lives- cheating on a test, copying homework, stealing candy as a kid, running a stop sign, etc. I think in normal people there is an immediate bodily reaction of heightened senses, nervous energy, slight paranoia- you’re worried about getting caught. So to grow a lie and scam the way this story does makes me anxious and nervous just listening- and I didn’t do it.

Let’s change topics:

In the midst of all the appointments the last few weeks we were able to take a small vacation with extended family. It was great.

A Sunday through Friday trip for some glamping was wonderful (the kids stayed the full time while Rachel and I went back for the biopsy and infusion appointments). While I still dealt with side effects, even on a medicine break, it was nice to change scenery and disconnect from work and phones (for most of the time).

I wish I had more news on the cancer front right now but I do not. Again, still waiting for the genetic tests and then the scan in September. Mentally still okay. Some days are tough, seeing things happening around me and not being able to do to much. I have a pool that stares back at me multiple times a day taunting me (the chlorine aggravates my feet pretty bad). I have a family that wants to do things with me yet my energy and feet say otherwise. On that note I guess the fatigue is coming back. I thought that my thyroid medicine would help stave this off but it’s definitely affecting me again- luckily not at the level it was before but yeah, thanks cancer.

So yeah mentally I AM okay. Do I have tough days? Of course. But I also have good days too. I am at times able to zoom out and put things in perspective. Cancer can make you feel like everything sucks and you’re going to die. But perspective is key for me so I don’t swim in the sadness. It is 2023, this diagnosis would have been a death sentence 20 years ago or so. This specific cancer can often metastasize to major organs as well- something I am lucky to avoid so far.

I know that “luck” is a weird thing when someone has cancer. It definitely is not the first sentiment or the second or third but if you live with it for awhile you start to see it here and there. That’s not to say I walk around smiling and skipping about how lucky I am- just to say that I see it at times. I see it in my family, my job, my life and even this cancer. I sit with anger, sadness and worry enough and I don’t see that going away. But, if I can sit with luck every now and then I will. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to run to Hobby Lobby and buy a “Luck Lives Here” sign).

So yeah this was a very random and all over the place post to say a lot of nothing. Welcome to my brain.

-Joe