Cancer Wish List

edit: my cancer wish list

Top of the list- no cancer? Well we’re already starting off in fantasy world over here.

Well maybe we’ll live in and out of fantasy land. Let’s see what else:

Cancer center therapy animals should be more fun. Let’s get some hawks flying through, a sloth you can hold, a therapy dog that only has the zoomies, small monkeys that won’t hurt you but do cool shit, and what’s that over there- is it a wolf, a coyote or a dog? Who knows. Go pet it and find out.

Open Mic day in the waiting room too (different day of course). You want to hear from the 80 year old patient whose motto is basically “fuck this and fuck everyone?” I do.

Prizes!! Who doesn’t want prizes?

• First appointment of the day- you get to be seen on time

  • Note: On time can mean within 15 minutes…or more.

• In the right location for your appointment? You get to go through the line in under 6 minutes.

• Repeat your name and birthday correctly ten times in a row? You get entered into the raffle to have $10 of your $2,343,000 medical debt wiped away.

• Wear a mask in the cancer center around all the immunocompromised people? You get to get jabbed only once with the IV needle.

• Don’t yell at or berate the nursing staff? You get to not be talked about behind your back!

• Give a urine sample without having to drink water? You get extra Lorna Doone cookies.

• Show up bathed and groomed? You get a hug from everyone’s favorite maternal figure receptionist.

• Pay your whole bill in cash? You get the cure to cancer.

And what about themes?

• Mondays: “Left Handed Day”

  • All IVs will be started with the left hand- whether the nurse is left handed or not.

• Tuesdays: “Tuesdays with Maury”

  • This isn’t a feel good book this is a live Maury Povich show. We’ve got it all- paternity tests, grown men dancing and doing backflips, running cameramen, and fears! Afraid of cotton swabs- here’s a man dressed in only cotton swabs.

  • Also if you’ve never seen the Fear episodes of Maury go find them. You will not be disappointed.

    

• Wednesdays: “Where Are You Wednesdays?”

  • Listen to emo music all day as you’re already going to be sad.

  • Also we don’t know where the doctor is.

• Thursdays: “Thirsty Thursdays”

  • A roving bar cart will pass by the room with free drinks for everyone. Can’t drink? Don’t worry, we won’t tell and your doctor won’t know because even though it’s not Wednesday we still don’t know where the doctor is.

• Fridays: “Fantasy Friday”

  • The cancer center is transformed into a fantasy world where we make you think you don’t have cancer!

  • The hospital covers up the word cancer on all walls.

  • Instead of checking in at the front desk you check in at the host stand. Now you’re at a “restaurant.” This means you get to order your “meals” from the waitstaff”

  • Drinks- You can have water or juice- on the rocks or neat.

  • Ambiance- You have it all- the loud talkers, the man on his cell phone on speaker mode full blast, and a wait.

  • Dessert- You have a choice between machine crafted toasted bread called a pretzel or our famous pastry chef Lorna Doone will bake you some cookies fresh a few weeks ago.

  • The Check- Don’t worry there’s no bill dropped at your table. It’s dropped into your MyChart and you have a service fee added as well. For what? Because they want to damnit. You think those hospital grade deli paper exam seat coverings tablecloths are cheap? Well they are but so what.

• Weekends: “ER Theme”

  • You’re on your own- no cancer center, you suffer the wild wild west that is the Emergency Room!

That’s all for now!

-Joe