Control

Too much of life feels out of control. I don’t mean spiraling out of control, careening downhill at 100 miles per hour- though I’ve been known to nail a spiral or two in my day (to day).

What I mean is choice, or choices, do not feel like something I have an abundance of. Sure with every treatment option or medicine I have I can choose to do it or not- but is that truly a choice? Try and fight or relinquish an opportunity to heal? There’s no choice there for me.

So how do you live a life that is seemingly pre-determined, predestined and some other pre-word? In the in-betweens. In between the choices that aren’t really choices. In between the appointments, the scans, the labs and procedures and more. Here is where I find some of the control- or rather the option to have control in my life.

In these moments what does having control ideally look like for me? Well if I was your positivity poster child for cancer I would say I’m seizing the day and not letting cancer define me. I control my life and how cancer affects it. But that is not who I am nor is it something I can pretend to be. I can’t fake it til I make it because if I could I’d be “faking” beating cancer- or rather I can’t pretend smiling and laughing and thinking happy thoughts will melt the cancer away- sorry Peter Pan.

So practically and realistically- how do I get any sense of control? I don’t know. I tend to focus on the word “sense.” I don’t have full trust or faith that I will ever get more than a sense of control- and even that is a stretch. Distraction is often a tool I use- not completely unhealthy or useless and often effective at helping me control and keep the negativity at bay.

Another method, or even form of distraction is keeping busy. Household chores, tasks, responsibilities, work and more- I can turn on autopilot and let my brain cost from chore to chore, activity to activity.

These buckets to try to assert control in my life are large and generic- distract, keep busy and the last one I can think of now- step into it. I toyed with “embracing it” or “taking it on.” These felt more like absolutes with outcomes- outcomes that felt a little too positive for me. Stepping into it is literally that. I am going to get into it whether the predicted outcome is favorable or not.

Discomfort, fear and uncertainty can live in this realm. Stepping into it is essentially a step in the dark- or maybe even the shadows. Can I tolerate the uncertainty? The fear of the less ideal outcome? Not always. That’s the truth. Not always can I stand it all. Not always will I be able to power through and tolerate the answers. But life continues and so must I.

But I can be worried and I will be damnit! I’ll exert my control in the ways I’m able- the small moments when I truly can. In the areas I cannot I will ride it out as best I can. Some days I’ll get through just fine. Others I’ll struggle, bad. But I am always hanging on and not letting go. So tears and fear and hopelessness will color the pages of the days to come but the pages will keep turning and keep going.

I may not be able to control the story or the chapters it holds but I’ll hold the book open as long as I can. I’ll make sure the story goes on and on as long as I have even the slightest bit of control.

-Joe