Cut. It. Out

Today is surgery day. Dave Coulier will not be performing my surgery but my surgeon will be cutting it out, the it being my right kidney, the mass, and some lymph nodes. Rachel eloquently laid this all out in a previous post and I won’t rehash it all here now because she did it much better than I can and it would be redundant.

Again- surgery scares me more than the cancer. If Once I wake up Tuesday afternoon I do think I can breathe a sigh of relief. I know all the cancer won’t be gone and that recovery will be tough but it is a major step towards answers- I hope.

I wish I could say that the last few weeks have been some kind of movie type of fairy tale- I got a new lease on life and I seized the day.

The truth is actually the opposite- I have been paralyzed by fear the closer I got to April 5th. Hopefully after recovery and the more information we get resulting from this surgery will spur that life changing moment.

Luckily I married up.

Rachel has really taken care of every need I have, done all the research, and most importantly planned things to make memories before the surgery. I was paralyzed by the thought that any memory we made was a goodbye or a “one last time” memory- but not a catchy song from Hamilton vibe.

We have done movie nights, sleepovers, walks, horse riding, archery, and more. I would say my favorite was probably Nippersink Forest Preserve- or Nipplesink as the girls called it. The pier on their little pond was nice and just peaceful. It was relaxing and calm- even as our girls threw sticks in the water.

Monday night was tough, hugging and saying goodnight to Leah and Fallon felt different, I didn't want it to end. I know I should trust that everything will be fine but it is tough in the moment. I have written letters that Rachel does not know about, to be handed out after I am under.

Closing these posts out can be weird. I am writing this on Monday, unbeknownst to Rachel or anyone else. As I go in for a potentially 8 hour surgery tomorrow I am thankful. Thankful for an amazing wife and partner- partner is overstating my contributions though- Rachel does it all. Thankful for two amazing daughters who both drive me crazy but make me proud everyday. Thankful for my parents who have been super supportive and will help out in anyway we ask. Thankful for my siblings for all their help and support, my mother in law who is staying the week or so I am in the hospital to watch the kids- Motrin and earplugs will get you through. Thankful for my family who have all offered whatever support or help we need. And thankful for everyone who has donated, called, messaged, and so much more.

I have learned in the cancer world they say once you are diagnosed people either step up or step out. I can honestly say I have only seen people step up and I can not express my gratitude enough.

That’s all for now, I will (hopefully) post in a couple weeks or so.

-Joe