“Do you think you need more?”

That’s what they asked as I laid on the table getting ready for my port to be placed. This was in reference to the anesthesia I was under.

My response- “Sure.”

If you’re asking me if I need more and I can coherently respond then I’m going to say yes. And they actually gave it to me!

So the port was put in last Tuesday. I heard I would have twilight sleep or whatever they call it. I’ve had it before and usually fall asleep however this time, even with me at the helm of my own anesthesia, I was awake and lucid but did not feel anything aside from the lidocaine shots.

For the uninitiated this is how it went:

• You wake up- no just kidding. Get to the hospital an hour early, I believe this is for all the geniuses who can’t show up on time.

• You strip down to your underwear and socks and put on your cloth tarp. Then you lay down in a hospital bed. Now this isn’t a normal, inpatient bed, this is a cot with wheels made for hobbits. The amount of times I’ve had my feet used as a battering ram is too many.

• So the nurses and doctor come in to discuss the procedure, show you what a port looks and feels like and then have you sign a paper really quickly which I’m sure states you can not sue them if they put the port into your lung or something.

• After you guarantee they can screw you up without repercussions, your nurse comes in to talk to you about television shows. Idk, maybe this isn’t standard.

• Then you take the parade down the hospital hallways in your finest garbs and the fiberglass blanket like a celebrity.

• After your parade you get put in the meat locker procedure room. Architectural Digest would love this room, it has everything. White walls, white floors, white ceilings, a bunch of medical apparatuses and a giant window? I don’t know what the window is for but from what I could the view was the other procedure room.

• The nurse shuffle then begins where they start yelling out medical lingo while also talking to you while you’re drugged so your brain gets a workout. After the 15th time responding to “Name and birthdate” you start to relax, maybe?

• My nursing crew somehow all lived in my area so we then proceeded to discuss restaurants, subdivisions and general regional fun. This took place while I had giant napkins taped to the port area (right chest) and while they painted me with Smurf blood. Fun note, said Smurf blood takes a few showers to come off.

• At this point the doctor came in and asked for my name and birthdate again then proceeded to describe the procedure to me. One thing I didn’t realize was that I had to keep my neck turned the whole time. Now I don’t know about you but if you tell me I have to stay still to do something my brain immediately goes “but what if we don’t?” Luckily I did, but the intrusive thoughts were there.

• So lidocaine shots administered and I felt nothing going on after that. Well almost nothing, I couldn’t obviously turn my head to see what was going on but I imagine the darling doctor was standing on my chest pushing the port in? It wasn’t painful but I could feel pressure. After stomping my chest they closed me up and put what looks like globs of superglue over the two incisions.

  • The two incisions (photo down below) are one for the port, and another where the line goes into your jugular? Idk if that’s the term.

• They took off the giant napkins and we went back down the parade route. I got dressed and was on my way.

This photo was just taken and you can still see the slight bruising from the Timberlands put on my chest.

In all honesty, there was a lot of discomfort the first two days but now it just feels odd, especially if you slam something into it like I just did. The glue that was supposed to come off last week is still there. The port has yet to be used as my infusion was two days after it was put in, which was not a long enough time in between to use it. Next week will be the big day where they finally use it so I’ll update you on how cool that feels, or doesn’t feel since I have numbing cream.

-Joe