Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Does anybody really care?

I don’t, I mistakenly made my father pick me up an hour early (sorry Dad) so I could be an hour early for my appointment yesterday. So smart.

Who knows, maybe I’ll show up a day early for my third infusion. Anyways, I did have my second infusion yesterday that went well I guess- the medicine was administered. I do get to take a break from my daily Cabo pill which is good kind of. Essentially the side effects will only get worse AND the half life of the Cabo is weeks long. So this one week break will slow the progression of side effects but not a break from them.

I lost about 30 pounds in a month, which I can afford to lose but the doctor said “it’s not the way to lose it.” Well I laid around and barely ate, you tell me a better diet plan?

Old Kanye isn’t bad right? H/t Jose

The reason I seem to be losing weight is also because my thyroid is super active. Which sounds great but essentially my thyroid will be dead in a few weeks so let’s add another life long pill to the pile.

I also had to ask what exactly the thyroid does

Not a big deal really, I think. Anyways I also will have blood draws more frequently to monitor my “levels.”

Speaking of levels I’m going to honest for a bit and not a smart ass. I have talked about it before but I have depression and anxiety.

Well I’m going through the big D again, and I don’t mean Dallas.

Ok, not divorce, but deeeeeeeeeeeepression. It’s tough and of course that’s a generic understatement. I can’t seem to regulate emotions, be it anger or sadness. I feel alone a lot (and I know I’m not but I can’t help that. I have been having outbursts that my saint of a wife responds to my apologies with “It’s okay” while inevitably shuttling our kids from event to appointment to game and more. She’s really rockin that shit.

Lucky to have her, family, friends and colleagues. Additionally therapy always helps and this week I get to double up on it with Gilda’s Club and regular therapy. I have to also thank my Gilda’s Club group as we have started reaching out to each other and checking in outside of our weekly meetings. Again I can’t preach enough about therapy. If you’re looking for help with anything in your life, this is it.

Again, even with all that support, therapy and medicine, depression is an asshole. It can strike while trying to sleep, during work, watching a movie with the kids, or even writing this. (The music puns and clips are helping me as I write this to keep it at bay). I felt pretty good when I heard I had cancer again. Now with side effects increasing and staring at hospital walls reciting my name and birthday is making my depression ponder my own mortality again. It sucks. I have breathing exercises, meditation, group chats with stupid memes and jokes that help but depression never fully lets go. Music helps too but sometimes it triggers it. There’s really no cure, only to keep doing the work and hope for the best and just hold on when it strikes. How does it strike? Let me give you some examples:

• Will I get to see my kids graduate from school?

• Will I always be a shell of myself?

• How many years do I have left?

You get the gist of it. Constantly barging in with scenarios and questions like that. Again I have to just ride it out and try to rationalize- easier said than done. But that’s how I get by.

Anyways I don’t want to end this on a somber note. So how can you help people like me? Again, donate to Gilda’s Club. We laugh, we cry, we support and we are honest in our groups. No one can understand a cancer patient’s mental state other than those who have gone through it. On top of therapy they offer educational sessions, classes and events all free to members (and membership is free). And on top of that go to therapy! Talk with a therapist, that’s all that I really want.

Anyways thank you as always for reading, supporting, and donating. And welcome to the randomness that is my Liked Songs on Spotify. Goodbye.