Dr. Wonka and the Cancer Factory

Scene: Modern day America

We see a boy, his family struggling to make ends meet in West Virginia- we shall call him Charles. In Wisconsin is a gluttonous young man named August. On the coast, a spoiled woman named Veronica while in Texas we have a YouTuber, Michael. And finally Violeta from New York.

August is out to eat and starts to sweat- not out of the ordinary but he hasn’t even hit the second appetizer. An ambulance whisks him away to the ER where a few labs and scans later, cancer is the culprit.

Veronica’s family, wealthy beyond comprehension, pays for every state of the art scan under the sun (even the ones common folk don’t know about). What would normally be a late discovery, a rare cancer is found early on.

Violeta, a social media influencer, is reading the comments on her latest video where she wants to ensure third world countries have access to escalators. After many fire emojis and “hate from Australia” one commenter points out a lump on her neck.

Michael says “Hey guys, hit that like and subscribe button” right before exhaling a sick cloud of smoke from the vape he hits all day. His signature laughing cough fades as he becomes very short of breath, prompting a trip to his doctor.

Charles is visiting a mobile health clinic in his community. After waiting for hours he finally sees a nurse who performs a routine physical and draws blood for labs. A few weeks later Charles gets the call- cancer.

“I’ve Got a Carcinoma” by Charles Buckets

I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit more bad luck for me

‘Cause I’ve got a Carcinoma
I’ve got a lower white blood cell count now

I never had a chance to shine
Never a happy song to sing
Suddenly all I’m doing is cryin’
What a real shitty thing

‘Cause I’ve got a Carcinoma
I’ve got a lower white blood cell count now

I never thought I’d be able to pay
The thousands of dollars of bills from a single day
Good morning, look at the sun
I never thought that I would be
Spending my days in centers for oncology
‘Cause I’d have said it couldn’t be done
Treatments one after one

I never dreamed that I would find
A dozen prescriptions to treat
But alas, I lead the pharmacy line
So capsules and tablets I will eat

‘Cause I’ve got a carcinoma
I’ve got a golden chance to die young someday
And with a carcinoma, it’ll fuckin find a way

Good morning, or is it night?
Is that the sun or just an overhead light
Another day another fight

I never dreamed that I would find
A dozen prescriptions to treat
But alas, I lead the pharmacy line
So capsules and tablets I will eat

‘Cause I’ve got a Carcinoma
‘Cause I’ve got a Carcinoma
I’ve got a golden chance to die young someday
And with a carcinoma, it’ll fuckin find a way

We find our 5 patients now at the same cancer center, best in class for care. How lucky they were to be able to travel for treatment. Along the way many a “golden ticket” was promised- natural cures, mushroom extracts, beaver gland extracts and everyone’s friend who sells ingestibles from their home. All these golden tickets were fake though.

Charles though did need a golden ticket to make the trip. Unlike his more well off counterparts he did not have the means to make the trip on his own, rather his ticket came in the form of a magical surprise- a GoFundMe page. Tons of well wishers, not necessarily flush with cash themselves, banded together to give Charles thousands upon thousands of dollars- enough money to cover all of his treatment….the first day.

The patients are triaged to assess their current status and pain. And for those lucky few that are in pain, well…..

“Prescription Drugs Can”

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew
Cover it in sparkles and a miracle or two
Prescription drugs can, those prescription drugs can
Prescription drugs can ’cause they take away the pain
And makes the world less shit

Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh
Soak it in the sun because you’re pretty damn high
Prescription drugs?
Prescription drugs can, prescription drugs can
Prescription drugs can ’cause they take away the pain
And makes the world less shit

The pharmacy mixes everything you need
Satisfying, you’re flying
Talk to the angels- you’re trying
You might even forget you’re dying

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
Prescription drugs can, your pharmacist can, drugs in his hand
Prescription drugs can ’cause they’re little bits of love
That make the world feel good

And the world feels good
‘Cause prescription drugs elevate your mood

Sign your life away and any questions- those must be submitted in writing to insurance.

August snuck in some food and can’t wait to eat, alas scans cannot be performed and he is discharged. The nurses Oompa Loompas will escort him out. (NOTE: This is not to poke fun at nurses but rather to illustrate they are the ones doing all the work in the facility).

“Oompa Loompa Song”

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got some questions to ask of you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
Please repeat your date of birth to me

What do you get when you get your treatment
Side effects again and a day in bed then
Where is relief will it ever arrive
Repeat your birthday and be glad you’re alive

You will taste the port flush now

Oompa loompa doompety dong
You’ll meet your deductible before long
You will become a cancer expert too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Doompety do

Veronica can be heard yelling at the front desk “What do you mean my appointment is tomorrow? I demand to be seen now!” Hospital administrators are surrounding, hearing the commotion and chaos.

“I Want It Now!”

Lab draws, needles
I want my name at the top of the list Miss
Do I have an appointment? Get away
And by the way

I want a room
I want a big room
A TV and snacks
And all the things I didn’t pack
Forgot it?!? Go back!

No, now

He rang a bell
I want a party
Orange confetti
Strewn about the hospital room
And a million ballonons and
Give it to me now

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it
All up in my pocket
It’s my medicine, don’t stop it
Give it to me now

I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear ’em
Like wigs on chemo hair and
I don’t want the stares hun’

I want a nap in a dark quiet room
I’ll lay in bed all day with shows to stream
And if I don’t get the things I am after
I’m going to scream

I want the works
I want the whole works
Drugs and IVs
And a room not so tiny
And no body sitting by me

And now

Don’t care how, I want it now
Don’t care how, I want it now

“……I want it now!” Can be heard trailing down the hallway where Veronica is escorted outside.

The remaining three patients- Charles, Violeta and Michael are called to come back to their rooms.

“Absolute Frustration”

Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of absolute frustration
Take a look and you’ll see
Hospital administration

We’ll begin, poke your skin
Where’s my vein it’s absolute pure frustration
In this hell, there’s not an
Explanation

If you want your reality
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want you can’t do it
Want to explain fatigue you’ll have to prove it

This life- this can’t be it
It’s now filled with absolute frustration
Laying there, in your chair
You wonder if it’s even fair

This life- this can’t be it
It’s now filled with absolute frustration
You’ll wonder ‘who am I?’
As you slowly wait to die

Now we find two patients remain. Violeta, busy going live for her page, got lost on the way back to her room and ended up violating HIPAA law filming over a dozen patients. Now she is in hospital jail, which is just having to reschedule multiple appointments in a timely logistically sensical manner.

Charles and Michael are show their rooms, divided only by a thin curtain with a 90’s styrofoam cup color mural plastered all over it. Michael is wheeled off to an MRI before treatment.

“Damn MRI”

Round the body again
That's the MRI way
Louder louder, louder louder

There's no earthly way of knowing
If the machine is ever slowing
There's no knowing what scans are showing
Or if the contrast is flowing

Flurried bad news like it is snowing
Are the winds of death a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
And now the whirring is growing
Are all my images a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the panic keeps on growing
And it’s certainly not slowing
So early I must be going

Michael has elected to come back another day, with Xanax to fight off the MRI’s terror. Charles, oh sweet poor Charles- that’s what Blue Cross Blue Shield calls him. Charles is our sole patient left, masked up and 20 years younger than everyone else.

In his room, 20 birthday repetitions later, Charles is given Benadryl through his port. Dozing in and out of sleep floating from machine beep to machine beep, Charles is sky high. As the nurses wait for lab results to release the medicine Charles’ oncologist enters with good news?

“No scans today Charles!”

“Wait, is the cancer shrinking? Did my blood work show a response?” Charles asks.

“What?” The doctor asks, looking puzzled, “No, the CT machine is down so you won’t have to stick around longer today for scans.”

“Oh” let’s out a deflated Charles.

“Charles, your cancer is incurable. Did you think this had changed? Do you think that changed?”

“Well doc I thought the news- I thought I’d get good news.”

Dr. Wonka responds:

Did you think Charles was going to win? Nope. Even if he was cancer free he would still get the parting gift of forever trauma…..

No Charles, welcome to American healthcare.

-Joe

Bonus footage of me leaving the hospital, except I’m not popping back up: