Faith

Disclaimer: This is my opinion only and most certainly not an endorsement of any belief or a slight against any belief. It is also not a request to be persuaded to join any religion or belief.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and I go to a weekly support group. The support group was initiated after the cancer diagnosis while the other two have been ongoing for awhile. In each of these settings I have been encouraged to explore my spirituality and/or faith and I have and still am in a sense. However I think there’s a lot to unpack here.

I was raised Catholic- as most Irish and Italians are. My parents are “diet Catholics” in that they go to church for weddings, funerals, baptisms, and Ash Wednesday (sorry Mom and Dad, it’s the truth). I have no issue with this either, I believe if you practice a religion and have a relationship with your god, that is your relationship to define. Further, if your god “takes attendance” in a physical house of worship then maybe that’s a little too punitive. I have done all the sacraments- aside from being married in a Catholic church. I went to 8 years of Catholic school, until the cost of religion everyday started to equal out to a mortgage payment. I was an altar boy for years- and no, nothing bad happened to me. I will admit though that being an altar boy, just like the after school crossing guard, was purely selfish- I got to get out of class to do it. Slacking in school aside I really did not have any adverse religious events that turned me away from religion.

I started to question or ponder the thought of god and religion in my 20s and more so the closer I got to 30. The standard thoughts arose: “Why the suffering? Why the wars? Which religion is right? Jesus definitely was not white. Why does Pitbull exist? Etc.” The more I thought, the less I believed in Catholicism and one central religion. Most people fall to atheism but I think I am more agnostic. Who am I to say that there is a god or not? Who am I to say which religion is correct or not? My main reason for being agnostic is that I can not prove one way or another that god exists or does not exist- my belief is that I cannot make a definitive stance one way or another. Thus, truly no one is right or wrong.

With this in mind I have tried to live my life and teach our kids that you can do whatever you want as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else. I feel that if you can live a good life and not hurt anyone, whatever god or gods there are, she or he will be okay with that- and if they’re not, is that really the afterlife I want to be in? Oh, I also believe in karma. Yeah I know, I make no sense.

I should also state that I do not look down on any religions or beliefs- unless you’re harming others. I don’t have a front runner when it comes to faith that I am betting on. I think religion and faith are open to interpretation, especially when spread across many different cultures and people. Again, no one can prove or discredit their religion over another.

Anyways, back to the cancer, that’s why we’re all here right? I have had the why me thoughts. Is it karma? If there’s a god why did they pick me?

I have obviously thought about what comes next if all does not go according to plan. Is there something after this? It seems kind of selfish to think that I am so special that when my time ends I get more time. But who is to say for sure? There is no proof, only hope and belief. I fall on the I don’t know side honestly but gun to my head, I lean a little towards there is nothing after this BUT I have no way of knowing for sure. I know, not a happy ending.

So spirituality and faith and cancer- how do they all line up then if I do not believe there is something beyond this life? I think that I have faith in my care team and most people in general. We live in a world where the negative is often highlighted (reviews, the news, DJ Khaled, etc) but I think everyday people do try their best to be decent human beings for the most part. There’s faith I do have in the human spirit even if at times I have skepticism. I have faith in the people supporting me. I have faith in my family and friends.

An important note- Many people state that they are praying for me. You may read this and think that if I don’t believe in a god or religion that I do not value these prayers. That could not be further from the truth! As I said, I do not know for sure if there is a god or what comes after this. These are my thoughts and I have been wrong time and time again.

More importantly, I think if people are praying for me and devoting time out of their day to support me to one of the most important values in their lives then I am deeply touched and moved. Whatever god or entity it is that someone devotes a prayer or thought of me to moves me immensely and I do value that. So, if you are praying for me I’ll be selfish here and ask that you keep doing that because it is appreciated and, I am probably 100% wrong on all of this.

Thanks,

Joe