Fixer Upper: Hospital Edition
“We’re Chip and Joanna Gaines. We take the worst place in the best neighborhood an already bad place and turn it into your dream home an okay place. This is Fixer Upper: Hospital Edition”
Chip: “Jo, where are we at today? I genuinely don’t know”
Joanna: “Oh Chip- we’re in Glenview, Illinois at North Shore hospital. This hospital opened in 1977 to serve the community around it as a Level II Trauma center. We’re going to meet the Hospital Admin to discuss a need they have inside the hospital.”
Chip: “Is it blood?”
Joanna: “Oh Chip, you’re so dumb.”
Hospital Admin: “Well Chip we do need blood actually we tend to run blood driv-“
Joanna: (squirting Chip with a water bottle) “PUT THE KNIFE DOWN CHIP!”
Hospital Admin: “That’s right, we don’t just take blood donations like that.”
Joanna: “Prodution! Can we take the sharp objects away and give him a fidget toy? So as we were saying this hospital has a need right?”
Chip: mumbling “i feel the need, the need for speed.”
Hospital Admin: “Uh yes, for the first and only time ever we have surveyed our patients in our cancer centers and have based a renovation on their suggestions.”
Joanna: “Wow, what a novel idea! Now why haven’t you done this before?”
Hospital Admin: “Well frankly we just don’t care. BUT, we found that if we do this we get even more money.”
Chip: “Money is fun! Jo lets me buy candy with it if I listen good.”
Hospital Admin: “Okay….”
Joanna: “Ignore him. So, are you ready to see your Fixer Upper??”
Hospital Admin: “Oh my god!!! I can’t believe it! This is the perfect place to stic- serve them.”
Chip: “And we wrote Hotspital so they know where to go!”
Hospital Admin: “I see that…. Now what is this over here?”
Joanna: “We decided to enhance your valet service. Now when patients come in our human valets will whisk them to their newly furnished waiting room.”
Hospital Admin: “Amazing you can get them out of the very public entrance to the waiting room with their fellow kind in no time.”
Joanna: “We also listened to your suggestion- odd as it was- of more patient turnover equals more money.”
Hospital Admin: “Wow this looks like a real airport terminal! So busy!”
Joanna: “That’s because it is.”
Chip: “That’s right. We put in a functional United terminal to be the waiting room for your cancer center.”
Hospital Admin: (teary eyed) “Thank you.”
Joanna: “Now you’re probably asking where the runway is. Great question- there isn’t one. All passengers board busses that take them to the airport- and not O’Hare.”
Chip: “Midway! And check it out, we got you a Hudson News”
Chip: “And it comes with airport pricing, like $12 for Listerine Breath Strips.”
Hospital Admin: “You’ve thought of everything.”
Joanna: “That’s not it- to get other areas of the hospital we make everyone pass through the cancer center too which is a Mask Free zone for everyone else’s mental comfort.”
Chip: “The patients wanted this?”
Hospital Admin: “Yes they wanted stuff.”
Joanna: “And Chip is really proud of this.”
Chip: “So for seating we wanted to go minimalistic and uncomfortable. Every patient will have to get and put back their chair too- and they’re actually 35 pounds each.”
Hospital Admin: “I guess we have to have chairs..”
Joanna: “We also heard you that calling patients by name was…..too….easy?”
Chip: “We installed old 12 inch Microsoft monitors in the farthest corners of the waiting rooms for patients to see when they need to go back.”
Hospital Admin: “Genius. I can’t thank you enough.”
Joanna: “Oh there’s more. We have made sure that whenever a patient goes to check in they are always behind someone that has never been to a hospital before or is in the wrong place and refuses to leave.”
Chip: “Over here we have your new wheelchairs. We are going to install the anti theft devices from the grocery store shopping carts and trigger them randomly so one wheel drags and locks up.”
Hospital Admin: (mouth agape)
Joanna: “You were saying how you can make a profit in other areas too so we have instituted a mandatory minimum of 2 IV’s per person- don’t even have to be the patient.”
Chip: “Also upon leaving patients will now have a custom screen pop up at the exit asking them for tips.”
Joanna: “One more thing.”
Chip: “We think you’re going to love this one.”
Joanna: “You know how doctor’s are always running behind?”
Chip: “I’ve got three words for you.”
Hospital Admin: “Fuck them patients?”
Chip: “Doctors on moving walkways now.”
Hospital Admin: “That’s 5 but who’s-”
Joanna: “That’s right. Doctors now will not be allowed to stop moving except for their mandated 15 mins every 6 hours.”
Chip: “Turn ‘em and burn ‘em. That’s the sign above the radiation wing by the way. Sorry the Guy Fieri Triple D Radiation Wing”
Hospital Admin: “Huh?”
Joanna: “It stands for Depression, Debt and Death.”
Chip: “Best part of all? Every patient gets an IV full of Guy’s very own Donkey Sauce.”
Joanna: “By partnering up with guy we’re able to infuse more cash into the hospital and grow the Flavortown Mayor’s epic lore.”
Chip: “Hope you like the taste of donkeys!”
Hospital Admin: “……..”
Joanna: “And last but not least, once the patients are done for the day we hire personal shamers to follow them back to their cars.”
Chip: “And maybe one-“
Joanna: “There’s no dragons Chip.”
Hospital Admin: “This has been amazing. I can’t thank you enough.”
Joanna: “Well we think you’ll love this- the project came in at no cost to you.”
Hospital Admin: “What? How??”
Chip: “We billed the patients for all this work.”
Hospital Admin: “Thank you so much!”
Joanna: “You’re welcome, let’s say it together.”
Chip: “WIPE FRONT TO BACK!”
Joanna: “What the hell Chip?!”
Everyone: “FUCK. THEM. PATIENTS.”
Ugh. You’ve captured the worst parts of the of the “cancer tour!”
I hate that this is more based in reality than not. So real! (And so funny.)