Flashback

So my smart brain immediately thinks of this:

Even though I’m the one who typed flashback. I digress, like the song says- “What a feeling.” Well that feeling is back pain and stomach pain.

“But Joe, you’re almost 40- that’s normal.”

Well you might be right reader but to that I say:

The point is that if you have ever had kidney stones you know that feeling. The best way I can describe it is lower back pain (on a specific side), upset stomach and feeling like your high school buddies did a cup check on you. If you’re unfamiliar with a cup check:

It’s just guy stuff

But men touching other men’s genitals is not the point of this post. If you remember way back to the beginning of this cancer journey (and you better), kidney stone pain is what I thought prompted me to go to the ER in January of 2022, where they found my cancer. To be fair they also did find kidney stones that are still with me today.

Anyways, I’m having similar pains today though not nearly as severe as they were back then. Ask any cancer patient/survivor/experience haver- the second you have a similar pain or feeling or experience to something you had before your brain lights up the cancer sign in bright neon lights.

Lucky for me it’s where my remaining kidney (left) resides. So what’s it like when you think “shit- has the cancer spread?” Well it’s like you have two opposing gangs, like the Greasers and The Socs going at it. The Socs appeal to you with logic, assuring you that one pain or a few ailments does not mean the cancer has spread. On the other side, the Greasers are playing on your fears. Ponyboy is telling you that it for sure has spread and is very convincing. At one point though rational thoughts and the Socs seem to be prevailing, even drowning Ponyboy out and for a second, you think “I’m overreacting.” But then, when you think you have pulled out of the spiral, Johnny(fear) stabs the rational part- leaving your brain to conclude that yes you in fact have all the cancer. And does the fear stick around to help you make decisions on what to do next? No the fear runs off and bleaches their hair, gets a gun and hides in a church- waiting to sneak up on you another day.

*Note: I did just listen to a podcast with Rob Lowe where he discussed the Outsiders. Also spoiler alert?

Long winded analogies aside- the flashbacks are tough to fight off. Deep down I know the chances that in just a few weeks the cancer has jumped to my other kidney enough to cause noticeable pain are very slim. But my brain doesn’t care. It turns on the bright Cancer light, signaling some shitty type of Batman, who’s light in the sky is fear and trauma.

So what now? Keep drinking water. I try to drink a gallon a day and the last two days I have been under achieving. I’ll hope to pass kidney stones of course- that would be best case scenario I guess. If you’ve ever had kidney stones it’s probably weird to read that last sentence and think “best case scenario.” I also have an infusion tomorrow and then an appointment with my nephrologist after so can definitely bring this up.

There’s also home remedies I have tried in the past which include:

• Jumping jacks or jumping in place

• Lightly punching my kidney through my back

• Chugging tons of water

• Stretching (pointless I know)

• Complaining

That’s all for now. Bye.

-Joe