Grief is tricky. It starts as an ever present shadow, always with you. Everything you do, see, or think about is wrapped up in grief. As time passes the shadow fades, lurking out of sight. Memories, words in a conversation, scents- anything comes out of the blue, racing at you with grief’s dagger. The old saying goes something like “It does not get easier with time, you just learn to live with it.” Learning is rarely simple and learning to live with grief is no different.
It has been 20 days since my Grandmother passed. The all encompassing grief shadow did not hit me hard until right after she was laid to rest. Frequently tears would stream down my face as I replayed life long memories, moments in time filled with joy and love that are now past tense.
Random things trigger grief- seeing a grandmother taking photos at my daughter’s band camp performance, seeing her number in my favorite contacts, and talking to my family. All these things turn the dagger a little.
“Grief is the price we pay for loving someone dearly.”- Not me, but my therapist today.
I guess that is the flip side of the coin- if the love wasn’t abundant the grief wouldn’t be either. Does that make this easier?
It just puts things into perspective. Which is another way of saying “I’m trying to think about this in a different way so I don’t feel shitty.”
My therapist also says that grief is cumulative, never fully flushed away but compounding. Both her and my psychiatrist think that subconsciously this has triggered feelings related to my cancer and mortality. Do I agree?
Yeah I guess. But it’s still subconscious. I have come to terms with the fact that I have survivor’s guilt- not just around my grandmother’s passing but in general. I was diagnosed and had surgery to remove the cancer all within 4 months or so. I’m still recovering but a stranger wouldn’t be able to tell I was sick. I still go to my weekly support group with Gilda’s Club and I am a part of the Facebook group still and I often feel the guilt and ask ‘Why me? Why do I get to keep going?’
Don’t get me wrong- I am happy that I get to keep going. I don’t wish to end this journey any sooner than I need to. I just grapple with the why, the point of my life being saved over anyone else’s. I grapple with a different shadow- the shadow of cancer returning at some point and upending life. Maybe it’s years, months, or weeks or never. I won’t know until I know. Cancer physically upended my life and now it is mentally upending it.
The “good” news? My mental state wasn’t some well run utopia to begin with. While I would love it to run like Disney World I think it operates more like a last minute, low-rent church carnival- sure there’s fun and lights but the rides can go off the track any minute at the hands of a bunch of carnies. And I have been to this carnival many times, fully aware of its secrets.
So yeah, therapy, a psychiatrist, group therapy and a loving support system is what I have to go forward and that is a lot- much more than others may have. Hopefully this carnie run carnival can work towards becoming Disney World- or at the least Six Flags or something.
-Joe
Joe, I had these same “survivor guilt” feelings after I had my strokes… I was lucky that I was already in the hospital, and on blood thinners, when mine happened… but when I would go to my Neuro, and see the other people in the waiting room who weren’t as lucky, it was hard for me to stomach. It was then that I made a promise to myself, and acknowledged that, yes, what happened to me sucked, but that I have been given another chance to make a difference in this world and I need to take advantage of it! You are so worthy of this more time that you have been given, and that you earned, take advantage of it :). Thanks for continuing to share these enlightening posts!!! I am so incredibly proud of you!