How to Support a Loved One with Cancer: Depression

I’m going to write a few of these How to Support pieces coming up. They can also apply to caregivers and loved ones. Feel free to let me know if there’s any specific topics you would like to see discussed.

I often replace “Under Pressure” with the words “It’s Depression!” in this song:

And my brain often replaces happiness with depression as well- all without even having to ask! Thanks brain!

Now I had homegrown artisanal depression, passed down as a secret family recipe, years before cancer. Now though with cancer I can spice up my depression like some culinary fusion- heirloom depression with hints of cancer.

However pre-cancer depression is not a requirement. In your diagnosis welcome bag you get your own take home depression and anxiety.

So how do you help the loved one(s) in your life dealing with cancer and depression? Well if you’re looking for a cure or answer or “fix,” you’re in the wrong place. There is no fix- only how to make it a little less crappy. Also I will be focusing mainly on patients but I would imagine most of this can apply to caregivers as well. Also it should go without saying but everyone’s depression is different and what works for me might not be what works for you.

When most people think of depression they think of sadness- and they’re not wrong. Sadness is often a major component of depression or a depressive bout. Sadness can be about a life lost, a lack of independence, constant pain or ailments and so much more with cancer. Tears and no tears- sadness can look different on each person.

However to label depression as just sadness is a disservice to the depressed. At times depression can manifest as laziness or lethargy. Staying in bed or on the couch all day. Avoiding meetings or appointments, phone calls and messages and loved ones.

Depression can also manifest as anger and irritability. What may seem as crabbiness can also be a sign of depression. Every little thing, noise, conversation- they can feel like the straw breaking the camel’s back.

And we know we have depression. So everything above makes us feel like a burden, makes us feel guilt and makes us want to retreat even more.

So you want to help a depressed cancer patient? (Future book title, I called it!)

Here’s a list I’ve compiled that by no means am I the authority on nor is it all encompassing. In no particular order:

1. Research and learn about mental health.

   1. You can’t sleep off depression.

   2. Think happy thoughts only works for Peter Pan.

   3. If we’re on meds for our mental health they are not a magic fix. Often they help minimize the effects of depression or limit the extreme lows and highs.

2. Quality time.

   1. Often people want to help but don’t know how. Spend quality time with us. We may tell you we’re tired or don’t want to do anything and that is true- but our pushing people away is about us and the guilt we feel for burdening others. Just sitting with us, doing nothing, is a huge help. It shows us we’re literally not alone.

   2. Keep showing up. That doesn’t mean grand huge gestures. Texting, calls (if the patient is up to it), messages- it is all showing up and means the world to us.

3. Don’t take it personal.

   1. If we push you away or don’t respond it more than likely is not you. If you can say you haven’t ignored our wishes, given us insane and disproven “cures” and generally haven’t been an ass then it is not you.

   2. As mentioned above the burden feeling is real. I know personally I have thought that if the cancer took me early it would make life easy for others in my life. I KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE. But when I’m in a depressive bout or episode my brain won’t listen to logic and reason.

   3. So us saying we don’t need anything or want to do anything does not mean from you specifically but rather we don’t want to create any more stress or drama for our loved ones.

4. Treat us somewhat normal.

   1. Invite us to things- if you want. Please don’t feel guilty or obligated. Even if we miss more than we can make we still want the chance.

   2. Don’t handle us with kid gloves. Treat us kindly and be aware of our limitations and needs. We can’t do it all but we want the possibility to do some of us.

5. Be honest with us.

   1. We want to know how you feel and in a depressive episode it can actually be helpful. We hear this all the time “I’m okay, you have much bigger issues going on than I do.” Please tell us. First off problems coexist. We live in the cancer world 24/7. We want to not only hear what’s going on with our loved ones but also, given the chance, be able to help you. And furthermore knowing we’re not the only ones having struggles helps alleviate our feelings of being a huge burden.

   2. Again we live in our cancer world all the time which means we can also have tunnel vision. We may see things from our perspective and block out other perspectives- limiting our possibilities and views, often resulting in further depression.

   3. This one is huge- don’t hide your fears about our cancer from us. Hearing that you’re also scared and worried assures us that you care. I know it sounds weird but hearing things like “You got this. You’ll beat it no problem. I’m not worried because you’re a warrior” all make us feel like we’re avoiding the reality of it all and that it’s being downplayed. There’s more comfort in you being honest with us about your fears versus you trying to show us that we’ll get through this all.

6. Comfort

   1. If you can’t figure out how to help think about comfort.

      1. TV marathon, going to the movies, spa session, comfort food and video games- you get it, just something low energy and low stakes.

      2. Feelings- we may push you away or try to steer the conversation to something else if we’re uncomfortable but when we’re at our lowest, hearing from a loved one how much we mean to them goes a very long way.

   2. Also if being in person is tough on you (we understand it) and you want to send something, again think comfort. Blankets, hoodies, gift cards or whatever. This is not a plea to send stuff but rather an option if you feel helpless to care for your loved one.

I think to sum it all up, if you’re looking for a way to care for your depressed cancer friend just try to listen, learn, show up, spend quality time providing comfort and compassion and be honest. Your depressed cancer friend will recognize the effort above all else. Don’t worry about if you did something the right or wrong way or if it was too much or not enough- effort and the above means the world to us and caring about us in the ways we need and want- that’s always the right way.

-Joe

P.S. Thank you to all who have and continue to show up, support, check in and just care for me.