How to Support a Loved One with Cancer: Anxiety

I’m going to write a few of these How to Support pieces coming up. They can also apply to caregivers and loved ones. Feel free to let me know if there’s any specific topics you would like to see discussed.

Scans, labs, surgeries, procedures, medication, death- the list can go on and on forever but what is constant for probably every cancer patient is anxiety.

Just like a laugh track was always there to make us think Ross was funny- anxiety is always there to make us ask “what if everything goes wrong?”

I think I’ve had it as long as I can remember. It’s my security blanket, my right hand man. Now having cancer with anxiety already in my life, my question turns into a statement- “Everything DOES go wrong.”

So how do you help someone with cancer that says

Well let’s drop your preconceived ideas of what anxiety is. Is it worrying, stressing, panicking and your mind racing? Yes it can be. It can also be not eating, sweating and headaches, shortness of breath, isolation and much more. It varies by person, situation and more.

Just like depression, anxiety can manifest as irritability and annoyance too. Sounds, people asking questions, unplanned events and more can trigger an otherwise calm person if they are anxious.

Just like depression, an anxious person who is triggered may snap and then in their head start to become even more anxious for snapping at you. The burden is real folks.

So how can you help? Let’s do another list shall we?

Again, in no particular order:

1. Again- Research and learn about mental health.

   1. SAYING. RELAX. DOES. NOT. MAKE. SOMEONE. RELAX.

   2. Know that we do not WANT to be this way. I often wish for a normal mind that wouldn’t worry about everything.

   3. If we’re on meds for our mental health they are not a magic fix. Often they are reactive and not preventive drugs, meaning that our anxiety won’t be ever fully cut off.

2. Don’t try to solve it.

   1. Generally people dealing with someone with anxiety think this way: Individual is worried > thing they’re worried about > I fix said thing > worry is gone. It’s a logical thought and sometimes can work but what more often happens is a dialogue occurs where the helper tries to talk away the problem but the anxious folk know that it only causes more anxiety and at times can create anger out of stress.

      1. When in doubt- ask us how to help.

   2. Much of the anxiety a cancer patient endures is the waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for a call, waiting for a plan and sadly, waiting to die. Now unless you can force all of that (maybe not the dying) to happen, there’s not much you can do to fix anything.

   3. Keep showing up and don’t take it personal (taken from the last how to help). That doesn’t mean grand huge gestures. Texting, calls (if the patient is up to it), messages- it is all showing up and means the world to us. If we don’t want anyone around it’s not you. Often when we are anxious our senses are very heightened- adding in people invites more noises, sights, memories and more that can be triggering. Sometimes we need to quite the world to try to maintain some calm.

3. Don’t give us positive speak.

   1. Ever since I have heard “you have cancer” the odds and statistics and sometimes logic have left the chat. You could tell me the odds of a bad scan are .0001% and all my brain will hear is “you’ll hit the crappy jackpot again.”

      1. Instead of saying “you’ll be fine” or “you’ll beat this” or any number of positivity scripts try absolutes.

         1. “No matter what happens I love you and I’ll be here.”

         2. “I recognize this is shitty. I’m sorry.”

         3. You get the idea- something that doesn’t try to hammer us with positivity and doesn’t invalidate our feelings.

   2. We also are often told to do something to get our mind off of it. I know for me personally cancer has moved into my mental neighborhood and lives in the biggest most obnoxious house on the block. The few times my mind is off of cancer is purely luck and not me actively trying to do something.

4. Again- Treat us somewhat normal.

   1. Don’t handle us with kid gloves. Treating us gently or babying us actually puts the focus even more on cancer. We know you mean well but the result is even more attention drawn to our cancer.

   2. Don’t dismiss our anxiety or treat us as weak. It’s insulting, infuriating and in fact the opposite of caring for us. If you truly care and love us, recognize that our anxiety is a part of us- a part we can’t control and don’t want to experience either.

5. Learn what might be normal for our anxiety.

   1. Some things we might do- whether having an attack or not.

      1. Pace back and forth.

      2. Talk a lot and frantically.

      3. Breathe rapidly.

      4. Rock back and forth.

      5. Cry.

      6. Keep busy (often frantically).

      7. Scratch an itch- or itches- rapidly and intensely. (sometimes even drawing a little blood)

      8. Sweat.

      9. Fidget or become restless

   2. There are more of course but know some signs like above. Recognize them and give us space unless we are harming ourselves or others.

6. If you want to show up, show up how we need please.

   1. As someone who has anxiety and has had anxiety attacks, please please please show up how we need. No downplaying, no talking it away, no assuming. We know you are trying to help but again certain things can exacerbate an attack or keep it going. Talking it out can add to the voice(s) we’re hearing that tells us to worry. Downplaying can make us feel even worse and trigger depression and shame and more.

   2. “How do I show up?” The best thing to do is ask. Now if you didn’t have time to ask, from my personal experience, these are thing you can try that shouldn’t hurt.

      1. Sit next to us. Quietly and calmly.

      2. Give us space if needed.

      3. Bring us something that might be helpful- medicine, water, something to squeeze.

      4. Maybe some very quiet, very soft and soothing music.

      5. If it’s quiet and a little calmer you can speak calmly to us and tell us you care, love us or simply that you’re there for us.

7. Comfort- Repeated again from the last post BUT for after or coming down from an attack.

   1. If you can’t figure out how to help think about comfort.

      1. TV marathon, going to the movies, spa session, comfort food and video games- you get it, just something low energy and low stakes.

      2. Feelings- we may push you away or try to steer the conversation to something else if we’re uncomfortable but when we’re at our lowest, hearing from a loved one how much we mean to them goes a very long way.

   2. Also if being in person is tough on you (we understand it) and you want to send something, again think comfort. Blankets, hoodies, gift cards or whatever. This is not a plea to send stuff but rather an option if you feel helpless to care for your loved one.

Celebrating surviving another anxiety attack

I think the big takeaways here are to show up for your loved one how they need. Sometimes doing nothing, next to or near them is enough. Try to understand their anxiety the best you can, learning how to best support them. And please, please, please- don’t tell us to relax.

-Joe