I Got 99 Problems

And you’re going to hear every one

First thing’s first- scans were all stable and aside from a cool visit to the doctor for a shoulder not working, I am fine- and said shoulder is fine.

Now in the words of Jay-Z Costanza:

Let’s begin, these problems are not all mine but all cancer related:

1. I’m fuckin tired fatigued. All the time.

2. Sleeping does not help.

3. I’m dying. Not a new revelation, my body is killing me.

4. Neuropathy is fun, fingertips sometimes tingle or I can’t feel them fully.

5. Nausea- no rhyme, no reason just happens.

6. Headaches.

7. Diarrhea. The muggles (non-cancer havers) may not understand fully that a cancer patient’s one true constant is diarrhea. Unless….

8. Constipation. That can also happen. Like Goldilocks trying to get it just right, your bowels do not cooperate.

9. Dry skin.

10. Nails turn to shit.

11. Teeth can also turn to shit.

12. Hair falls out for some.

13. Unsolicited holistic advice

14. God. They know what they did.

15. The sun. I need it, but it can kill me quicker now.

16. My port. I often forget it and hit it way too much.

17. Dehydration- see diarrhea above.

18. Food. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not. Good luck figuring out when.

19. I get sick easier.

20. Getting sick could lead to complications.

21. Complications could equal death, or worse- living after almost dying.

22. My memory

23. What was I just saying? Oh yeah, it sucks

24. Stamina. Stairs are the new marathons and I didn’t run those before cancer.

25. Scars- all over.

26. My surgeon did not carve out abs when he split me open.

27. Is this cancer spreading? The question you ask yourself for any new pain or symptom

28. Planning anything around bathroom availability.

29. Diapers. You may never “use” them, but you will own them.

30. You will also probably need to use them OR wish you had at some point.

31. Comfort with the disgusting. See above.

32. Trauma- if you didn’t have it before you’ll have it now.

33. You can taste your port being flushed.

34. You feel like you are pissing your pants when you have a scan with contrast.

35. Immunocompromised does not mean anything to people who are not.

36. Also it doesn’t mean anything to some that are.

37. Pulling the cancer card never works how you want it to. Wiping away debt? Skipping lines? Basic understanding? No. But you get to make people uncomfortable.

38. Side effects from medication that then requires more medication. It’s the circle of life.

39. And it ruins us all.

40. Can’t get a tattoo.

41. Standing? Prepare to get dizzy.

42. Pharmacies. You will get questioned about frequency, knowledge and much more from the people who see you more than your doctors.

43. I describe my bowel movements to many nurses and doctors like we’re talking about the weather.

44. I have learned to shave random patches of my body hair so it is not ripped off by tape or bandages or dry shaven by someone who seemingly has a grudge against me.

45. I no longer know how to dress for a night out but I can sure as hell be CT scan ready at a moment’s notice.

46. Pre-port my hands were bruised from IVs like I was backhanding my way through the waiting room.

47. Waiting rooms- there is always someone there, unmasked, coughing like patient zero.

48. Scanxiety. IYKYK

49. Some days I marvel in the smallest things. Others, I rage over the smallest things. Others tends to have the lead right now.

50. Most people infantilize you or treat you like a delicate object. While the initial sentiment is nice it wears quick.

51. Cold cold drinks? Nope

52. Ah, hot warm drinks? Also nope.

53. Everything can turn spicy. Ketchup, toothpaste, mouthwash, mustard, too much black pepper- the list goes on.

54. Salty snack? That might feel like well, salt in an open wound.

55. You will repeat your birthday more often than ever before. You will also forget said birthday more often than you like.

56. Weight- you might gain it or you might lose it depending on the drugs.

57. You may not look like you have cancer. This sounds good until many people tell you this.

58. Work. Not a problem for me but for many others you may have to navigate an unsupportive work place.

59. TV and movies- you will get sick of them, no matter how much you love them.

60. Events or parties- might as well reply with “We’ll see” because it will either require days of prepping or will be a game time decision.

61. Events you can attend- be prepared to set aside multiple days to recover. Went out and partied-recover. Went to a friend’s to talk for an hour or so- recover. Had a Zoom hangout- recover.

62. Birthdays, am I happy to celebrate another year or are they rose petals being picked off until you run out soon?

63. Social media- you will find support, amazing support. You will also find snake oil salesmen, everyone with an aunt who did such and such, people who know what you’re going through because they’re dog had cancer and you will be jealous of the life others live at times.

64. Friends and family- you will “neglect” them, especially if your energy and mood are constantly drained. You’ll think randomly at 2am “I need to call so and so” and then forget all about it.

65. As mentioned above- your problems compound. Memory issues, fatigue, nausea- all team up to form some kind of asshole avengers group thats sole mission is to take you down.

66. Faith. You might find it. But like a lot of people you will probably question it or lose your beliefs.

67. Fun- What the fuck is that???

68. Money. Buh-bye.

69. Love/Sex. Ask any cancer patient about it. You’ll get a look like you’re showing a cell phone to Abraham Lincoln in a theater.

70. I am too young to have cancer. Everyone has told me this yet no one told cancer.

71. I can’t get tattoos right now. I know, not a problem to some.

72. Fuzzy socks- you’ll have a lot of them.

73. Your favorite hospital staff will see you and give you a face that says both “I’m happy to see you again” and “Damn this makes me feel bad.”

74. Anxiety

75. Depression

76. PTSD

77. Insert other mental illness here

78. Your calendar starts to fill up with appointments and follow ups. Cancer is now a full time job.

79. Temperatures- they all suck. You will be sweating, shivering, cold, hot and more- sometimes all in the same day.

80. Exercise- what?? Walk to the kitchen and back, congrats you’re exhausted.

81. Crying. Movies? Tears. Songs? Tears. Bad morning? Tears. Everything tears.

82. Brain fog. This relates to memory issues but also you just space out sometimes. Real cool.

83. You have a cancer bag. Meds, clothes, more meds- anything you might need.

84. Surgery

85. Chemo

86. Stem cell transplants

87. Pick your poison from above- or you might get all three!

88. Minor scratch or paper cut? That’ll be 3 business weeks to heal.

89. You know how a lot of medicines say “do not operate heavy machinery?” Well you constantly are in that state of being.

90. My humor is now what one would describe as morbid or inappropriate.

91. Insurance companies

92. Copays

93. C

94. A

95. N

96. C

97. E

98. R

99. The constant fear of death.

Thank you for coming to my Dead Talk, and credit to the man:

-Joe