I'm Dying

No it’s not a joke.

No it’s not an update or new news.

It’s just the truth.

We all are dying, on some level, since birth. But there’s a gravity not felt before you know your death is accelerated suddenly. Your feet become anchors dragging along the floor, getting caught on every imperfect inch- the sweater that gets caught on the door knob, the spilled coffee, the morning nausea, the lost moments, the excessive traffic, the trauma. It is a heavy weight. A weight that gets heavier with every new blow.

So how does the weight not crush you? How does it not bring you to a full stop? The truth is that it does. Often. Some days you’re in bed, barely up- only to use the bathroom and eat something small for some energy but mostly to see if you’re hungry or nauseous. You merely exist, not moving forward. Just surviving. Other days you have slept well, side effects are minimal, you’re hydrated, and feeling good. Death isn’t on your mind often or if you’re lucky, at all. Those are the days you hold on to. You don’t know when they will happen or how long it will last. These are the days you live- almost weightless.

I am dying though. My cancer has fought a major surgery, 4 different drugs, radiation and more. It has found ways to get around each of those potential saviors. Not only has it survived it has spread and grown. My body is trying to hold the line and hasn’t given in, but neither has my cancer. It has spread up and down. It is resilient- but it won’t ever win. The cancer dies with me. So we’re dying. I quite literally will self destruct at some point to take it with me.

Am I afraid of dying? No, I’m afraid of not living anymore. I’m afraid of not seeing my loved ones. I’m afraid of missing moments and creating memories. I’m afraid of losing the love and laughter and connection in my days. And I’m sad- but I believe that is only because the love and laughter and connection in my life was amazing and worthwhile. So I will always choose sadness at lost futures over sadness at a life not lived.

I need to keep living though. I want more of the good stuff and to find some new experiences that are just as good. I want to savor as much of my time left as I can. This isn’t a super positive Today Show story about me running marathons or anything- rather it is a mental post it note to try to remember to enjoy life when I can, when the weight isn’t too heavy.

-Joe