I'm Tired

I almost had it. It being 2 whole weeks without a full on breakdown. Now I had tears here and there but they were the kind where maybe one or two fell- a one tissue kind of cry. But this, these are the full on look in the mirror tears.

You don’t even know!

Why did I have a breakdown? Because the pope died. Because of Donald Trump (insert any of a million reasons here). Because I got horrible news. Because cancer just fucking sucks- plain and simple. Because I just want a “normal boring” day where I don’t feel tired or pain or depressed or mad or sick.

Ask any cancer patient who’s been going through it for over a year or two and they’ll probably say the same thing. We’re tired of the appointments, the side effects, the fear, and the unknown. I’m tired of looking at my kids and knowing I won’t see them grow into adults.

Yes it is gif that I know nothing about

It is a cruel joke- you get news that you’re sick and the punchlines?

• There’s no cure.

• There’s no timeline.

• The limited time? Well you also have limited abilities due to the side effects.

• You’re dying and there’s no stopping it.

How do you push back against this “joke?” You try anything. Some will try insane internet treatments that do more harm than good. Some turn to God. Some sadly take their own lives so they go out on their terms. Some pour themselves into advocacy. And some get tattoos on their hands to symbolize “just fucking live” and “not today” (an answer to the question ‘Am I going to die?’) That some is me….

Don’t mind the cat scratches

And this tactic worked for me perfectly for two weeks. I would feel the sadness creep in and look down to my hands, repeating the words in my head. So why did it stop working? I’m not sure but I think of it as an overflow of emotions and thoughts. The mind “tricks” work up to a point, but when the thoughts and emotions are too big or too much, nothing will stop them from overflowing.

For now, literally in this moment, I am okay. I am writing this from the cancer center. I will have some medical updates soon but who doesn’t love a good cliffhanger?

-Joe