Isolating

It’s like you’re in a room, loved ones all around.

“How can I help?”

“Anything you need.”

“We’re always here.”

“What can I do?”

So many more. All true. All sincere. All genuinely loving.

The room feels cold though. Tears and pain rise inside, ready to overflow. You muster thank you’s while shrinking- so as not to be a burden.

No one has done anything wrong. No one has dropped the ball. It is just the reality. What bandaid goes on fractured mortality? What get well card replaces decades of lost memories and love? What can be done to mend a broken heart- bereft of smiles, hugs, laughs, love and simply time?

Nothing. Well nothing that will ever truly fix it, unless you have a cure for cancer- no pun intended whatsoever. So you focus. You try to maximize the time you have, intensifying your focus on every minute that passes. Yet when you are alone- whether by obligations, schedules, work or whatever- the intensity turns inward. Your desire to maximize time backfires on you. The same magnifying glass you reexamined your life with is now burning you- amplifying the isolation like fuel to a desolate fire. Sadness starts to avalanche all around you, burying you in misses- time, moments, living.

How do you stop it or fix it?

You don’t. Or at least I haven’t found a way too yet. If I do I’ll let you all know surely through some badly worded smart ass post. For now I’ll keep living. And dying. And trying.

-Joe

P.S. I am okay.