It’s Been Awhile
This is a long one (that’s what she said)
Hi. Apologies I didn’t write for awhile, I was away on business. That business being my back basically doing this:
Shall we go back in time and revisit? Strap in this is a long post.
A Wet Leaf
Saturday June 1st 2024
I don’t know how I ended up in the hospital but this is my prime suspect. I, a 39 year old male that is not yet 40, stepped on a wet leaf causing my left leg to slip about 20-24 inches. While at the time I was not in pain I felt something in my leg that would not be considered normal.
Morning
Sunday June 2nd 2024
“Ouch” could be heard from the same not yet 40 year old man who potentially injured himself on our prime suspect, wet leaf.
Upon waking and trying to stand and walk, this still quite young man had immense pain in his left hip and back.
Hobbled in what is clearly his prime, the man tried to spend the day tending to this gruesome injury. But alas, when ice and other methods did not prevail it was time to go to the Emergency Room.
Late Night/Early Morning
Glenbrook Hospital
Sunday June 2nd & Monday June 3rd
The ER was both noisy and quiet. Beeps, moans of pain and automatic doors continually opening because people did not understand where the outside and inside are were the only sounds for a bit.
Now unless you’re new to ERs then you might be familiar with the big tease. The big tease is the triage portion of your visit. You can go a million times and still get fooled. Here’s how it plays out: you check in with reception and tell them your name and birthday, why you’re there and give your insurance and then you take a seat. Now the scam comes- about ten minutes later you hear your name called and you get so excited that you slowly and carefully stand up and hobble over to the nurse who called you. For a moment your mind says “wow I am getting seen quick today” only to have your vitals recorded, and then you play the game of how hurt am I and how quickly will my answer get me seen?
Guess what- the answer is always not enough and not soon.
Back to the waiting room you are banished- hours of staring at a door and hoping to hear your name called. A twisted lottery.
A brief rundown of the ER waiting room:
An older man came in being pushed in a wheelchair yelling “I should have never left. I’m in trouble” in serious pain. I felt bad for him however his daughter or friend seemed less than thrilled with him.
A man with a really nice watch and large gold ring on. Adorned with Christmas pajama pants and a gas station Chicago t-shirt.
He also took a nap across from me and said shirt suddenly became too small.
Another man also took a nap across from me and proceeded to slowly reveal his midriff and ass. Not as sexy as you would imagine.
Got to have a front row seat between a 5 year old girl and a 80 year old woman. I can only describe it as “white dad talks to a non-native English speaker” vibe
Another man had either a tampon or a wine cork stuck in his bloody nose.
Hard to tell even though he was patrolling the ER and staring at everyone.
The smoothest security guard ever who was alerted to one sleeping man being really creepy, didn’t come over until his shift was over and said “if there’s any problems let the desk know.”
So I was admitted around 4am or so on Monday I believe.
Note: Pain meds were being administered from this point on so my memory and timelines are a little hazy.
Valium and a steroid
Then just Valium
………..
The pain was barely better if at all.
…………
Dilaudid
(insert guitar riff)
Yes I did miss you, you holy narcotic pain killer savior. All aboard
So with the mental pain block illusion now in me I was ready…..to not feel as much pain. Basically the Dilaudid helped me block out a lot of the pain to be manageable.
At some point I had an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a new herniated disc. I also had a benign mass that was near my nerve that had not grown in two years. What does that all mean? Pain but not really a clear explanation.
Serious note: I also felt numb in my nether regions and some of my leg. This is why I was admitted to the hospital as apparently this is not something you want to play with.
So to back up- there’s a cool chart on the wall that tells you how long your scan results may take in the ER. The MRI scan- up to 6 hours to wait. Was it 6 hours? I don’t remember but it was awhile.
Monday Evening June 3rd
Transport to Skokie Hospital
While Glenbrook Hospital is my home base for all things cancer, Skokie is the Ortho Spine home base I guess. So my magic carpet ride turned into a trip in a Superior ambulance. If you are looking to take a tour of the potholes and bumps along the North Shore this is the trip for you. It had everything- bumps, potholes, a high schooler trying to make small talk with a high man trying not to wince in pain, and my favorite- the obligatory Hannibal Lecter straps on your gurney as you’re wheeled into the hospital to be paraded and viewed by everyone. *chef’s kiss*
Again, to note: The week at times was a blur so this timeline and recollection is probably mostly correct.
As everyone knows I am a top floor penthouse kind of guy- nothing less. So for my accommodations the staff knew that I demanded the top accommodations and amenities.
The photo below isn’t of a penthouse in Dubai but actually my top floor hospital room.
It really was a nice huge room. I also had surround sound in my bed- no lie- and non-stop ice water at my bedside. So I was living large.
Alas, back to reality. I don’t recall exactly what the timeline was but blood draws, vitals, meds, all the fun hospital stuff that’s standard took place. Dilaudid remained as well, aleviating pain. Also you don’t realize this but the difference in an ER triage mattress and an inpatient hospital mattress is worlds apart. I went from cardboard to clouds.
Tuesday June 4th
Suspects have been identified:
New herniated disc
Old herniated disc
Benign mass
Cancer (usual suspect)
Karma
The weight of other people’s opinions
Tuesday was spent getting acclimated with my new setting and my care team talking to every department they could to figure out what was going on.
Also the mass mentioned above was noted on the MRI but wasn’t reviewed until Tuesday- delaying things a little further.
Said mass had not grown since 2 or so years prior so they are not concerned and it was near but not pressing against the nerve. This suspect was free to go.
Old Herniated Disc
It has the alibi of not causing this type of pain before. Also you can’t just profile here because it has been a bad actor before.
New Herniated Disc
This was the prime suspect. No alibi, found at the scene of the crime dead to rights….
Cancer
Another prime suspect. It lives at the scene of the crime and is like a prolific serial killer.
Karma
Taylor Swift I think said it’s the problem or something.
Unknown
Who else could be on this list of suspects? A ghost? OJ Simpson? Matt Healy? Putin? North Korea?
Tuesday closed out without any answers.
Wednesday June 5th
We’re on the move. This morning I’m going to get my epidural. We have ruled out the herniated discs and the mass. So we’re going to put a needle in me.
I’ve had two before and honestly they are quick, easy and pretty much painless. (The only minor pain is actually the numbing shots and then the actual shot only feels like pressure).
So after a quick 30 minute trip to Interventional Radiology (they did not sit in a circle and tell my back they love it, but it needs help) I was back in my room. At this point the pain was still present in my back and legs.
Note: The steroid injection can take up to 2 weeks to fully work and occasionally can make things feel worse before they get better.
Guess who wanted to explore the occasionally part above? My damn body. I have driven to and driven home from my previous shots. Wednesday night though- I was writhing in pain, tears in my eyes. I thought for sure something went wrong.
Dilaudid injection to the rescue again. Goodnight.
Thursday June 6th
We have no answers still. Karma is my back, hurting for no damn reason. Inflammation is their best guess.
So yeah no real answer or no real answer that I like. In the meantime I have had Physical Therapy (PT) and Occupational Therapy (OT) visit.
OT brought me the gifts above- a long shoehorn and a grabby stick or whatever it is called. PT on the other hand had me trying to walk with a walker. Walking around a hospital floor is always interesting- you see nurses at ease at times actually laughing or having fun, fluorescent lighting hums as you shuffle around and the walk past rooms can only be described as something similar to a teenage boy at the mall walking past a Victoria’s Secret- you want to look inside but you’re shy/embarrassed and when you do sometimes someone is looking back at and you feel like you got caught doing something wrong.
Analogies aside- every physical therapist grabs the giant plastic belt and loops it around your chest usually perfectly positioned to push into your nipples. Anyways- I took the walker out on the floor with my therapist, who is half my weight, holding on loosely to my belt. If I fell or started to fall she would be breaking fingers and not holding me up. But hey what do I know.
Walk complete I was back in bed chugging ice waters and watching Jeopardy. My awesome doctor- Dr. Joycutty, (who really should have been a Patch Adams type surgeon with that name) told me they want to keep me longer since my pain last night was very intense.
Friday June 7th
More PT. More walks. More distance. Mo Bamba. By today I am off of my IV infusions of Dilaudid and on to pills. To be discharged hospitals don’t like to keep using your IV as you won’t be able to do that at home and they don’t want you leaving on that high of a dose of meds. (Buzzkills)
At this point the pain was still present though not as bad. I was both ready to break free and concerned that I had a new debilitating disease: Old Man Syndrome.
What’s Old Man Syndrome? It’s where your body just starts saying:
It’s a really tough affliction. In some it also can present other symptoms like
Wondering who parked in front of your house
Talking louder so non-native English speakers can “understand” you
The TV volume being insanely loud
A social media profile picture that is a selfie from below your chin, in your car, with wrap around Oakley sunglasses
Always asking why athletes make so much money and police officers don’t
Using terms like “those people” and “they’re one of the good ones”
Fighting in the Facebook comment section of your local news stories
Sharing inappropriate/racist/sexist memes
Being scared of technology
There’s plenty more but right now luckily I only have the back pain. So maybe I get to go home Friday?
One more night to monitor and see if the steroids are working. Okay, what can I do I guess. Staying in a hospital bed on a Friday night really ruined my normal plans of staying in a bed at home on a Friday night.
Saturday June 8th
It’s time. I need to get out of this place. Luckily it’s a Saturday so I’ll surely get out early……
More blood draws.
More vitals.
More waiting.
Finally, a little after 5:30pm I was wheeled down to my freedom. Unfortunately my dreams of leaving like this were dashed.
So what now? Well inflammation seems to be the cause. Yeah, cool I know. I was discharged with muscle relaxers, pain pills, Gabapentin (nerve meds), lidocaine patches, more steroids and something else- can’t remember. I’m like a high school kid who got into their parents’ medicine except I only used the Gabapentin and steroids.
I had to see my PCP this week where it basically consisted of
“Nice hat. How are you?”
“Better”
“Okay, take care.”
I have to talk to Physical Therapy too but for now I’m good. Still a little slower and careful of how I move but pretty much back to normal- cancer normal.
Speaking of cancer- no new news there. Next scan is early July.
-Joe
That damn wet leaf! Hope the pain subsides quickly!
So sorry about the hospital and so glad to read your stack!