Lost at "C"
Another Monday another Cancer Immediate Care visit. Sidenote- the CIC acronym could be pronounced like “sick”- coincidence? I think not.
Anyways I was back for similar symptoms as the last time except this time I had shortness of breath sitting still doing nothing. I’m really acing this symptom thing.
Long story short, had an X-ray that showed no pneumonia so I got sent home with an inhaler and not a ton of answers. This also means that I’m still on a break from the Alunbrig (the targeted drug hopefully helping me keep the cancer in check).
That’s my internal ummm, well, Tina. I’m never confident, sure, stable or secure in anything with cancer. I’m on plan four? My second to last “plan.” Then it’s winging it. Then it’s placing more trust in hope rather than proven methods.
Cross my fingers, knock on wood, wish upon a shooting star, 11:11’s on the clock, a lucky rabbit’s foot (well lucky for me), a hail mary- whatever your preferred lucky method(s) are. Frankly at this point I feel like I’m already at foot three of the (un)lucky proverbial rabbit. Hope is the captain of the ship. Trust, faith and fear are hope’s faithful crew. The sea- well it’s the big C (I swear that happened organically). Uncharted waters and rogue waves- the flashing scans and rollercoaster like lab graphs. I don’t know what days will be smooth sailing and which ones will make me seasick- quite literally. But I’m in the middle of the ocean- my choices are to stay on the boat or throw myself overboard and hope I can tread water long enough to avoid drowning, sharks, dehydration and other dangers- in hopes a miracle will save me- the same miracle I prayed for on the boat.
Enough of the nautical references I guess. I really set sail with those- sorry, last one. The point is I’m in limbo here for now. This week I get my labs done Tuesday, this should help decide if I go back on the Alunbrig. I also get another Xgeva (bone strengthening) shot Friday and two brain scans Saturday.
What if the decision is to stop the Alunbrig? Am I ready to agree to that? We have no proof it wasn’t working but also no proof it is. I don’t know that I am ready to say I’m done with this one- I feel as though I haven’t even started. How do you fight your body’s own intolerance to a potential time out from its doom clock?
The answer to the question- all the questions above and more? I have no idea. My answer is I have no answer. For a lot of my fellow cancer family we are all too familiar with these type of answer/non-answers.
So for now, the only answer my mind is providing is:
-Joe