No Ragrets, Not a Single One

This week can end now. Why you ask? Well let’s roll the tape.

On Monday I had radiation on both hips- or to be more accurate, my right hip and the left of my pubic bone. No problem, it’s painless- well the process is. I’ve started doing this cool thing where I lay down for all of a 5 minute procedure to start having a migraine and get nauseous. I mean why not right?

Anyways get home and take some Zofran meds to help my nausea and head. All was fine until that afternoon. I was falling asleep no matter what I did, shortness of breath like I just ran (trust me I did not), rapid heartbeat, weak and could not get warm. I went to bed super early in two pairs of pants, a hoodie and a coat.

On Tuesday I wake up for radiation and I’m not feeling much better. Radiation comes and goes, same as the day before, and then I head to the cancer immediate care after I kill an hour in the cafeteria. Sidenote- it’s amazing how many people cough with no covering just into the great wide open, in a hospital no less. Also these people are apparently the same ones who decide that the entire cafeteria wants to hear them listen to some kind of shitty Italian pop music. But there was a dog!

Anyways back to immediate care. Back with one of my favorite nurses Jo. Hooked up to an IV bag with electrolytes and stocked with hospital apple juice (one of the top apple juices around) I had blood drawn from my port for lab work and then a CT of my chest to check for blood clots. The IV bag did wonders and they think it could be some dehydration but want me to follow up next week for blood work again. Good news is the labs are pretty normal and no clots.

At this point I was just defeated and felt like crap. Also the fun part about radiation to the neck and the subsequent pain/discomfort- things like sneezing, yawning and crying are really painful. So without being able to let the frustration and exhaustion escape in any way, that night I decided to give the middle finger to cancer- literally.

Impulsive? Yes.

Any ragrets? Not a single one.

The thing is cancer takes so much from you.

Time

Memories

Joy

Dreams

Abilities

Peace

People

and so much more. So if I can exert some control in even the smallest of ways then why not? Every month that passes by I’ll probably lose more control in some way. Again is this ideal? Hell no. Am I sad? Yes BUT also numb. There’s time for pity- and the clock surely hits it from time to time but I’m used to it now. There’s always going to be pain- both physical and emotional. I just am getting to know it more. I’m no expert but we’re acquaintances now. I know its name, I know its look and I know what it wants.

Wednesday and Thursday- more of the chills and migraine/nausea fun after radiation. Not as bad as Monday luckily. Pro tip- the warm feeling of Dilaudid acts as an internal heating pad- so I’m told.

Now we’re at Friday. Fatigue- which I don’t know if I mentioned it earlier but that’s been really extreme. “But Joe you can go reread your words above to find out if you mentioned it.”

That’s enough for me today. By the next time I post Triumph the Insult Comic Dog might be appointed as head of the IRS or something.

-Joe