Panic on the Deck-o

Not my best pun I know

This week’s medical update- still waiting. Waiting on my next scan, waiting on genetic results, waiting and waiting.

So while I play the waiting game again and again, my body/mind decided this would be a good week to introduce a panic attack.

NOTE: I AM OKAY AND I WAS OKAY.

“Now Joe, you’re not a professional” you think, “how do you know that’s what it was?” Great question and no I am not reader who is thinking exactly that thought. But my body/mind apparently has access to my calendar and was nice enough to plan this fun detour for the night before both individual and group therapy. Thanks Cancer!

So yes, I was able to speak to my therapist and my Gilda’s Club group on this and it seems like it was a panic attack. But let’s rewind.

So as I do every night, I went outside to our deck to soak my feet for some relief from one of Cabo’s fun side effects. Rachel had just dropped off Fallon after piano and the girls were outside playing with their friend. So feet in the buckets, Spotify in the background, and the screaming of my children (happy screams I assure you) on our trampoline underscore the scene. I say scene as it did feel like a movie- it was a beautiful summer night, the kids having fun and myself relaxing, birds chirping- everything was great. Then my brain kicked in the door and said “Hey dickhead! What if this is one of the last times this ever happens?!?”

My chest immediately seized up, breathing became very rapid and I felt both weak and sick at the same time. I tried breathing techniques, grounding techniques, random Spotify music- anything to snap me out of it. And guess what? They all worked! No I’m just kidding, none of them worked of course. It’s not a panic handshake, it’s an attack. Also for some reason I thought I could “shake it out” and proceeded to roll my shoulders and literally shake my arms and hands. Let me just say, there’s one PhD in our household and I think by that last sentence you can tell who the doctor is in our house. (Hint: It’s not Shakes McGee).

So yeah- it happened. How long did it last? Felt like a long time but a few minutes? I really don’t know. What snapped me out of it? Not sure. It wasn’t box breathing or grounding, it wasn’t going from Japanese Breakfast to Manchester Orchestra to Billy Ocean on my Spotify. I know it came on like a wave and the slowly receded. Even now trying to remember it I can feel a slight increase in my breathing and tightness in my shoulders. “Alexa, play Reasons by Earth, Wind & Fire.”

Okay, hard to keep the blood pressure elevated with such a soft soothing song. Anyways, what now? I don’t know- not have another? Not quite sure how to prevent that again. Trying to do an after action assessment on it is tough because I can’t separate the initial thoughts from the experience and I don’t think reliving those thoughts is going to help. I got some good tips- like practice the breath work, make sure I breathe if it happens, try to repeat something over and over that is calming and soothing, and stop having cancer. (Okay the last one wasn’t real but it would probably help).

Again, I am okay and will be. The joys of therapy help me examine this- even as painful or difficult as it is. A few things I took notice of:

1. Last year the cancer was in me and then surgery removed it and I was on an upward trajectory in recovery. This is simplifying it but it’s true. This year it’s back and I’m in a state of limbo. Could get worse, could get better.

2. While last year sucked, I felt progress day over day. Now I have bad days- bad days that are becoming more and more frequent.

3. The positive talk wears off. I kept telling myself that I knew this was coming back and wouldn’t be upset if it spread.

So all the positivity and hyping up you can do still is no match for the reality of cancer. You can’t “warrior” it away. No matter how much “strength, courage and bravery” you have it means nothing. Cancer physically and mentally wears you down. The only match is medical intervention. While I don’t want to live in pessimism and negativity, none of that matters as my own body can’t cure this. Reality is where I have to start living presently. Can I do everything I want? No. Will I feel good most of the time? No. Do I know what is going to happen in the end? No. BUT do I know I’m going to die from this? No. Is life over? No.

Delroy Lindo is the man.

Living in this reality does not mean I am now Eeyore, moping around all the time. I just am going to stop pretending that no matter what happens that it is okay. Life sucks at times and saying “I won’t be let down” just is not true. It doesn’t mean giving up or being Debbie Downer- just being honest with myself.

So in the spirit of honesty, here are a few things:

• I’m surviving. Not thriving, not dying- just surviving and that’s okay.

• Lately I have more rough days than easy days. Just a fact.

• Starbucks coffee is overrated and overpriced.

• I do feel like I am missing out on life because of cancer.

• I could really be the spokesperson for Imodium at this point.

• The BK, Have it Your Way jingle is better than every TikTok artist out there.

• I have a good support system.

• Too often I randomly think about the scene in High School Musical where Zac Efron tells his dad that he doesn’t want to be “just a basketball guy.”

• Facebook is not a complete hellscape- just look to cancer support groups for proof.

• Therapy is life saving- time and time again.

• DJ Khaled is very insecure- why else would you have to yell your name and that you’re the best all the time?

• I love that so many men are upset by the Barbie movie.

• I still have cancer.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk on honesty, cancer and a panic attack. That’s all I have for now and again- I am okay, honestly.

-Joe