Plans for a Memorial Service- Draft 1

Note: There is no new medical news, I’m just morbid!

Note: This post is almost entirely satirical. Almost.

Let’s play a game- pretend I have incurable cancer and I will die earlier before I hit 245 years old.

So when I die young at 112 years old I figured I should have a plan laid out. This might also be the time to turn around and not read further if you don’t like dark humor *cough* all my family *cough*.

How to Dispose of Me

I don’t want to be buried. If I had my choice maybe one of those rafts out to sea that’s lit on fire by an arrow- a Viking funeral? But I have so many pharmaceuticals in my body that you’d get some weird mutant fish or something. Safer bet- fill up an old above ground pool with gasoline and light fireworks off. Peaceful and really uplifting at the same time. It won’t be a religious service but I would hire a priest just to kick it off like this:

Peace be with you. . .

Okay in all seriousness it’s probably going to be cremation. Donate to science? Pretty sure this is their response

Plant me and turn me into a tree? Eh I could be harvested and turned into the deli paper they use on hospital exam tables.

What to do with the ashes? Where would I spread them? Some random ideas- in the cancer center waiting room, this might get people to mask up. We could also spread them at some random person’s house- I think the visual of someone answering their door and being told a random man’s wishes were to have his ashes spread next to their kids backyard play set. Since none of those work just put me next to the door on those Alaska Airlines planes and I’ll be eventually spread somewhere. In reality- I don’t care, I won’t be here to be upset. I only ask that you make the crematorium perform the service on YouTube like an influencer- “Hi guys, today we’re cremating this old cancer patient- ewwwww. Anyways smash that like and subscribe button to see how long he burns.”

Now on to plan my favorite part of this all- the memorial service. Do I really want one? I don’t care I won’t be here. But it’s fun to imagine how insane I could make it. Again this is draft 1 and I will refine this as time goes on.

The rest are the details my crazy brain has right now. Again, let me stress, this is a joke- well most of it.

Memorial Service-

• Food

  • Sloppy Joes (need no explanation)

  • Raw bar and sushi (keep with a raw theme)

  • Milkshakes (nothing better than the sound of people drinking out of straws in unison)

  • A hibachi chef cooking where a casket would be and you better believe he’s flipping shrimp into your mouth.

  • Cotton candy machine

  • A bar that only serves frozen cocktails with three blenders always going

  • Tacos al pastor on a spit next to the Hibachi chef

  • Kidney bean salad

• Entertainment

  • Balloon animal artist

  • Face painting for kids

  • Face painting for adults

  • An impersonator of me that is dressed and looks like a twin…. I want them to slowly walk in halfway through and just sit down and say nothing.

• DJ Setlist (with links below)

  • No Hard Feelings by Manchester Orchestra

    • This is my only serious suggestion as I love this song and feel it’s a beautiful ode to dying.

  • Benny Hill Theme Song

    • It’s all about transitions people.

  • Welcome Back by Mase

    • This might be when my impersonator walks in the door.

  • Cute Without the “E” by Taking Back Sunday

    • Need a pick me up

  • The King of Wishful Thinking by Go West

    • This might be when the hibachi chef does the onion volcano.

    • Bonus points if you can get Paul Rudd and Jimmy Fallon to perform it

  • Mulan’s I’ll Make a Man Out of You by Donny Osmond

    • Why? Because I want it.

  • I’m Not Okay by My Chemical Romance

    • Emo time and the title fits?

  • The Wild Rover by The High Kings (Live version)

    • You all better sing too

  • If You Know You Know by Pusha T

    • If you have to ask you can’t afford it

  • You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon

    • Important note- you must play the music video with Chevy Chase

  • Otis by Kanye, Jay-Z and Otis Redding

    • I want you all to have fun

  • Hey Joe by Jimi Hendrix

  • Dead and Gone by T.I. And Justin Timberlake

    • In case anyone isn’t sure what’s going on

  • Encanto’s Waiting on a Miracle by Stephanie Beatriz

    • For the children

  • Bezos I by Bo Burnham

    • Jeff and I are close

  • Sussudio by Phil Collins

    • I will also accept the Tarzan soundtrack as a replacement

  • Africa by Toto

    • If you don’t like this song just don’t show up okay?

  • Only Ashes by Something Corporate

    • Ba-dum-tsss

  • Reasons by Earth, Wind & Fire

    • Can’t forget the slow dance portion

  • Wake Up by Travis Scott

  • Karma by Taylor Swift

    • For the Swifties and for my enemies which I hope will show up and stand in a corner.

  • Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis

  • Suavemente by Elvis Crespo

    • h/t to Lane Tech dances

  • Shake It by Metro Station

    • Dan this ones for you

  • Hamilton’s Dear Theodosia by Leslie Odom Jr. and Lin-Manuel Miranda

    • For my kids

  • Shake It Out by Manchester Orchestra

    • My favorite song plus the transition from the song before would be pretty harsh

  • Silver Springs Live 1997 Video by Fleetwood Mac played 10 times in a row

  • Panama by Van Halen

    • This will play as the priest shoots his fireworks into the pool

This is draft 1, thank you.

-Joe

P.S. Save your texts, I’m all good.