Reasons Why You Should Get Cancer
(I refuse to write about side effects because they just increase)
Listen, I know cancer may seem like the hot new trend and I’m here to tell you why you should really get it.
In no particular order:
Have you ever thought “I have too much energy?”
Is standing becoming too easy to do for minutes on end?
Hospitals are actually pretty cool once you get past the crippling fear of death.
Tired of feeling old? Get cancer young and go to a cancer center- you’ll be the cool new young person that everyone says “You’re only 37?” to.
You probably have too many organs inside you anyways.
People will tell you cool things like “everything happens for a reason.” And surely your cancer has a good reason.
Crying- you probably don’t do it enough.
Ever wished for TSA Precheck but couldn’t get it? Well you’ll become a pro at MyChart check ins and questionnaires. People will say “Who’s this hospital badass?”
You get to play fart roulette- is it a fart or…..?
Do you feel like you dismiss random aches and pains too easily? Well you get to play a new game called “Is this normal or is my cancer in my eye?”
Reciting your full name and birthday over and over to hospital staff is a cool way to see if your brain is going to just take a second off and make you look smart by forgetting your birthday.
Stairs- they were too easy to climb without getting out of breath.
Events, who wants to attend a bunch of those anyways?
Have you ever looked at someone with a pill organizer and thought- “Damn they’re so cool”
Meals are overrated, have you tried crackers?
Sometimes the sun is just too bright, even inside. Wearing sunglasses inside isn’t just for celebrities.
Hunger or nausea is a fun game you get to play daily.
If you have anxiety around going to the hospital don’t worry, that goes away when you average 3-4 doctors a month.
Your pharmaceutical knowledge increases ten fold. You can spell medications with one vowel and seventeen consonants without batting an eye.
Google and social media have a bunch of non-conflicting information that will surely help and not confuse you.
Attention. You want it you got it.
Want to set a record for hitting your out of pocket maximum for insurance? You’ll hit it quicker than you get the bills.
Pointless naps, you’ll take plenty that when you awake, you’re still exhausted.
Sick of how your voice sounds? Get cancer and it can change.
Did someone just sneeze? Cough? Panic is your new friend as you wonder if, or when, you will catch a little cold that surely will last way too long.
You will contribute to keeping mental health professionals employed.
The only way to fight your body trying to kill you is to give it drugs that make you feel like they’re also killing you.
And finally, you can always say “It’s Cancer Season!”
In other news:
If you’re a runner looking to run the Chicago Marathon let me know! Gilda’s Club covers the registration fee too!
Gilda’s Club is looking for sponsors for the annual Gilda’s Night Out in September at the Epiphany Center for the Arts. There are multiple sponsorship levels too so let me know!
There are now shirts and mugs with ribbons in all different colors in the store.
-Joe
I hesitate to "Like" this post, but it is great humour. Sorry for the effin' agony of it all. Gallows humour got me through a lot.