Still. . .

Still waiting is the theme this week. It has been 2 weeks since surgery and we are still waiting for the pathology report to tell us what exactly this cancer is. It is frustrating to say the least however I am still in the early stages of recovery so to be honest, not much can be done right now. On top of that the sample is a rather large and diverse case so no sense rushing it.

In good news, the gas crisis is over- and by that I mean I can eat a meal and not feel like an over-inflated balloon right after. Physically I feel a little better almost everyday. I can bend a little more, I can sit up more, I can talk, and more. The constant is the exhaustion. Even this morning immediately after waking I was tired. In my Facebook groups they say this can last up to 6 months or so. The other constant is the itching. About 90 staples will do that to you I guess.

But for as cool as Facebook was during the election, the pandemic, and just in general- the support groups really do help. I can find answers to questions I may have on the procedure, the cancer, or anything remotely related. (Disclaimer: I know none of this is medical advice). In addition to the extended fatigue, I know that I have clips in me that are more than likely titanium and won’t set off a metal detector, I know that my surgeon was pretty damn good as some of the horror stories are frightening, and I know that yawning can cause some extreme pain- which is not uncommon.

Emotionally I feel in a better state for now. The surgeon felt pretty confident that the cancer had metastasized to the lymph nodes. Some consensus is that if the cancer is metastatic it will come back eventually. So that always looms somewhere in the back of my mind, which is daunting, but I try not to dwell on that. Getting released on my birthday was emotional. There were happy tears as we sat at the table for presents and photos. Then this past weekend there were some sad tears as I felt like I was simultaneously missing out and ruining Leah’s birthday. I knew deep down they were irrational thoughts but that doesn’t stop them from invading my head.

This week also feels like the first where my mental stamina is up as well. Texts and emails I would receive were a blur. I felt like I would read them or try and reply and would get tired or lose focus so if I haven’t replied back I apologize. It could be the effects of major surgery or the coming down off of Dilaudid. I do miss my Jeopardy style hospital handheld buzzer with its 10 minute shots of sweet pain relief. I know pain pills are extremely addictive yet I have never felt that pull any of the times I have taken them but Dilaudid, I can see the desire there for sure. The warm rush, the delusions- of which I had a few in the hospital, the relief- it all made a traumatic experience much more bearable. I wish I had more Dilaudid for when the surgery bill comes as I am sure that will be another level of trauma.

That’s enough for today. I have to get back to Fargo and wonder how Landry Clarke is now a major actor. This time next week I may have a Minnesota accent, dontcha know?