Testing Testing

It’s Sunday evening, let’s check in.

• Fatigue- Check!

• Nausea- Check!

• Migraines- Check!

• Sadness- Check!

• Anxiety- Check!

• Worry about everything I can control and everything I can’t in a world that is uncertain and always changing- Check!

Let’s look back at the week.

Tuesday I went in for blood work after my last few weeks and the visits to immediate care and breathing issues. The notes in my appointment said that a hand prick was to be done for my blood draw to which I said

After getting my way I had my port accessed and my blood drawn. My labs all came back normal- or normal for a cancer patient that is. I was supposed to return Friday for my Xgeva shot (to strengthen my bones) however the team was able to get the shot pushed up to Tuesday, saving me from having to grace the halls of Northshore Hospital in Glenview twice in one week.

So with the all clear on my labs and for my shot I was also cleared to resume the Alunbrig (the cancer drug) which is a relief. I don’t want to speak for all cancer patients but I would venture to guess that most if not all feel comfort in treatment. For me knowing we are actively doing something to try and fight the cancer always gives me more peace of mind- even if we’re not sure if it’s truly working. So the last two weeks I have had a nagging voice in my mind telling me the cancer is growing since I am doing nothing.

The voice in my head

So total peace of mind now right?

Never! That isn’t possible anymore. Alas, let’s get on with the week. All the side effects come and go- some stay longer and some are short- but they all make sure they show up.

Yesterday/Saturday morning I had two MRI’s- one of my brain and one of my pituitary gland and the tumor on it that is probably, hopefully benign. The brain was to get a new “baseline” as my oncologist put it. The pituitary gland was to evaluate the tumor and see if anything could be causing the migraines. I feel like both were scanned or observed somewhat recently so I’m not super concerned. . . . However, there’s always concern and worry.

For one, I’ve mentioned how I am lucky and get my scan results within hours. Well guess who still doesn’t have them.

Am I worried? Completely

Do I recognize it’s a weekend and can take longer? Absolutely

Does the question and answer above make me feel better? Absolutely Not

So when I get the results tomorrow or beyond (after constantly refreshing the app) what can happen?

1. Things are really bad.

2. Things are not as bad as they could be.

3. Things are clear/stable.

All three of the above don’t change the fact that my cancer isn’t going away. Yes it may change treatment and protocol and time left but really not much is going to change mentally for me. I think I know it’s a matter of time before my PET scans start doing this as time goes on.

So while I’m worried what it means for timelines and treatment I think mentally it is the same- shitty, not fair, bad and more. But I’m alive and I just hope I get more days, weeks, months and maybe years to keep saying that.

-Joe