The Cancer Olympics - Home Competition
Bob Costas: “Welcome back to the Cancer Olympics. Bob Costas here again to bring you today’s competitions in the Home Arena. Competitors may feel at ease here but troubles and traumas lie behind every turn. Will triumph also lie ahead? Let’s take a look. Here’s Mike Tirico and Chris Collinsworth.”
Stairs
Mike: “Welcome in folks to the first event in the Home Competition. Joining me as always is Chris Collinsworth.”
Chris: *slides in frame “Hey Mike. I’ve gotta say, we have some real competitors hear today and we’re ready for a good old fashioned staring contest.”
Mike: “Actually Chris our competitors today will have to scale and descend the staircase once.”
Chris: “You’re telling me that stairs are part of the competition today, not the eye ones but the feet ones?”
Mike: “Let’s break it down Chris. Scores today will be given out based on a number of criteria- time to complete, total number of stops, dizzy spells incurred, how many times ‘fuck’ is muttered and more.”
Chris: “And I see there are no landings involved?”
Mike: “That’s right- no chance for rest and no chance for a stumble midway through. Here comes our first competitor.”
Chris: “Why does he look so f-”
Mike: “AND a reminder Chris, this is the CANCER Olympics- and not the horoscope kind.”
Chris: “Okay.”
Mike: “Let’s skip ahead and recap the event.”
Chris: “Yeah Mike, here you see one of many competitors who had a tough time not sitting down. Frankly I saw everyone either trip or sit down to catch their breath.”
Mike: “Coming away with the Bronze today is Stephanie with a time of 5 minutes and 3 seconds, 1 dizzy spell and 3 breaks.”
Chris: “With the silver is Mike with a time of 3 minutes and 48 seconds, 2 dizzy spells and 1 break.”
Mike: “Our gold medal winner is Celia with a stunning time of 2 minutes and 43 seconds, 1 dizzy spell and 1 nasty trip down the stairs.”
Chris: “Many are saying that was the key to her victory Mike. What’s up next?”
Guilt Evasion
Mike: “Guilt Evasion. Competitors must compete- not against each other but against their own mind.”
Chris: “CTE is a dangerous-”
Mike: “No Chris, guilt evasion, but you may want to make an appointment. Our competitors will go through a mental gauntlet including cleaning the house, pre-planned activities and time spent out of bed.”
Chris: “That sounds like a full day of activity.”
Mike: “It is Chris- except our competitors will do none of it. They will be judged on factors such as crying fits, misdirected anger and time til spiral.”
Chris: “With the bronze medal is Jackie with 2 crying fits over missing a PTO bake sale, yelling at her doorman and 32 minutes until spiraling.”
Mike: “The silver was awarded to Beth with 2 crying fits over forgetting to set her fantasy football lineup, screaming when she missed the garbage can twice in a row and 56 minutes until spiraling.”
Chris: “And the gold goes to Sylvia- all women winners.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris, all our male competitors broke down in minutes, drywall beware. Sylvia pulled a veteran move- she got violently high at the first hint of a crying fit and sailed through the competition.”
Chris: “Amazing Mike. Never count out the veterans. Up next, grocery shopping.”
Grocery Shopping
Mike: “Let’s get to it- competitors will be judged on times the cart is used as a mobility aid, items not grabbed due to cancer side effects and bags able to be carried inside.”
Chris: “Well let’s go Mike.”
Mike: “With the bronze we have Greg leaning on the cart 54% of the trip, 2 items left off- watermelon and a case of water and a total of 8 bags carried inside.”
Chris: “The silver went to Sam who used the cart 43% of the trip, 3 items left off- a case of water, potatoes and a gallon of milk. She was able to bring in 11 bags of groceries too.”
Mike: “Chris sometimes a newcomer swoops in and changes the game. The gold goes to Jasmine. Jasmine aced the category by utilizing online ordering and delivery. She even was able to talk the delivery driver into dropping the groceries off in her kitchen.”
Chris: “Wow, frankly a legend in the making.”
Sleep
Mike: “Now we pivot to the sleep competition.”
Chris: “What an easy layup Mike!”
Mike: “That’s where you’d be wrong. Competitors will battle intrusive thoughts, death spiraling, prescription intervention and side effects and hours slept.”
Chris: “This is a real doozy of an event.”
Mike: “It is. First up with the bronze medal is Rhonda. Rhonda put in a stellar performance with only 1 intrusive thought, 1 death spiral, 2 prescription sleep aids and 5 corresponding side effects and 3 hours slept.”
Chris: “Taking silver is Mark. Mark had 2 intrusive thoughts around his family and not seeing the Bears win another Super Bowl and a death spiral over the latter. 1 prescription pain killer used as a sleep aid and 2 side effects and 5 hours slept.”
Mike: “Sneaking in with gold is Mary Beth. 1 intrusive thought, no prescription sleep aid and 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Amazing. Her key to success- no sleep the night before.”
Chris: “Savvy move.”
Meal Time
Mike: “Our final event today, meal time-”
Chris: “Ah an easy end to the day.”
Mike: “One would think Chris but our competitors will be scored on nutritional value, intake amount and time consumed.”
Chris: “Just order delivery folks.”
Mike: “The International Cancer Olympic Committee denies this unless it is from their official sponsor, Papa John’s.”
Chris: “Forget that then.”
Mike: “Exactly. So winning bronze is Peter. Peter was able to eat a banana, 5 pretzels and a jello- clocking in at 55 minutes total.”
Chris: “Silver was taken by John. John put together a spread- saltines, ginger ale, a fruit smoothie, chicken broth and one oreo as a treat. He demolished this in 43 minutes flat.”
Mike: “Gold goes to a hall of fame performance by Courtney. She ate a whole salad and drank 2 large glasses of water in 24 minutes.”
Chris: “Absolutely incredible.”
Mike: “For Chris Collinsworth, I’m Mike Tirico signing off. Over to you Bob.”
Bob: “Thank you gentleman. Truly remarkable effort out there from our cancer athletes. Join us later this week as we move to our hospital portion of the competition.”