The Cancer Olympics - Hospital Competition
Bob Costas: “Welcome back to the Cancer Olympics. Bob Costas here again to bring you today’s competitions in the Hospital Arena. Competitors will face some of their toughest challenges here whether they are willing to or not. The Hospital bows to no man or woman. Who will make it out of here unscathed? Absolutely no one. Here’s Mike Tirico and Chris Collinsworth for more.”
Mike: “Thanks Bob, joining me as always is my partner Chris Collinsworth.”
Chris: slides in to frame “Hello Mike and hello America. Boy do we have a full day for you.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris, we’re hear at your local hospital’s cancer center ready to begin.”
Chris: “What we have right here is a place where doctors work Mike.”
Mike: “Yes Chris…. That’s right. Let’s get started with our first event.”
Repetition
Chris: “Isn’t that a Taylor Swift song Mike?”
Mike: “….no. Here in Repetition our competitors will have to repeat their name, birthdate, current side effects and list of medications.”
Chris: “Yes, the judging criteria will consist of length of pauses, errors and false starts. False starts are moments where a patient believes they will be asked this information and volunteer it without being prompted.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris, it’s a new addition to our judging criteria this year, brought on by the Russian judges.”
Chris: “First we have Alexis earning bronze. She had 2 false starts, 6 errors and a pause length of 1 minute and 12 seconds. Solid performance but she lost out on silver when she said her name was Xanax and her birthday was her cancer diagnosis day.”
Mike: “Tough showing. In the silver position though is Brent. Brent had 1 false start at check in and then 3 errors- his costliest one being his omission of 3 side effects. He had a stellar pause time of 36 seconds only.”
Chris: “Yeah Mike, that’s a guy who knows what he’s doing.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris but coming away with gold is Antonia. Antonia had no false starts, 1 error and 28 seconds of pause time.”
Chris: “Wow Mike. We saw that error when she said her name was her oncologist’s name. But a pro like Antonia knows how to claw her way back.”
Mike: “We salute our competitors as we head over to our next event.”
Pick the Right Seat
Chris: “It sure is loud and smelly and busy here.”
Mike: “Well Chris that can only mean one thing- we’re in the Waiting Room Arena to play Pick the Right Seat. Competitors here have their limits tested by both the hospital and the public.”
Chris: “You know it’s really puzzling to me how this is going to work.”
Mike: “Let’s break it down as this is a multi-tiered scoring system for this event like we have not seen yet. Competitors are scored on the seat they choose. Scores are based on things like speakerphone callers, homeless sleepers, unmasked and unhealthy, meal time participants, unsupervised children, people likely to commit a crime, YouTube viewing with volume for all, person who sits next to you even though there’s plenty of open seats and pity.”
Chris: “Pity? Like when you see those exhausted parents in the ER at 2am with a newborn and they’ve been there forever?”
Mike: “Exactly. This competition is not just confined to the cancer center waiting room.”
Chris: “Before we get to our medalists we wanted to let our audience know that today’s scoring will not include defecation as all our contestants were exposed to this at some point and it will not affect th-”
“CAN THE OWNER OF A BLUE NISSAN, LICENSE PLATE VS4 6724 PLEASE MOVE YOUR CAR- YOU ARE BLOCKING OUR AMBULANCE BAY.”
Mike: “What better way to start our breakdown of our medalists’ performances. Nabbing the bronze is Archie. Archie picked a good seat but it could have been great. Chris where did he go wrong?”
Chris: “Archie walked in forgetting to pull up his mask so he immediately lost points on technique. Then you’re going to see him grab a seat on the end of a row- great choice except it was by the reception desk. He got kicked twice by a child who then sat next to him sneezing and watching Bluey full blast.”
Mike: “I think Bluey saved him some points honestly.”
Chris: “It’s an amazing show isn’t it?”
Mike: “It is. Chris who came away with silver?”
Chris: “Ah yes Mike, Zoraida snuck in besting Archie for Silver. Zoraida is a pro, having cancer and 4 children means the hospital is like a second home. We see Zoraida already checked in as her doctor called ahead for her.”
Mike: “Wow you can’t teach that.”
Chris: “No you can’t Mike. She immediately goes to the far end of the waiting room where there are no TVs and only 4 chairs and immediately puts her bag on the chair next to her.”
Mike: “Then where could she have gone wrong?”
Chris: “Well Mike take a look here- we’ve got a triple whammy. The homeless man across from her is eating what appears to be a Panda Express family meal which of course means no mask. And if you listen closely enough, over the ferocious chewing of Orange Chicken, you can hear the man in the golf polo on speakerphone complaining about everyone at the hospital.”
Mike: “That’s tough, she really had a chance at gold too. Speaking of gold here we see Alan walk into a packed waiting room full of smells, coughs, very large families all in the room and more. How does he come away with gold Chris?”
Chris: “Only a legend would know this. Having metastatic incurable cancer brings Alan to the hospital all the time. Here we see him grab a wheelchair and scoot up to the reception desk. After check-in Alan scoots out of view of the reception staff and parks himself in an empty reception booth.”
Mike: “Wow! Truly a master of his craft.”
Chris: “Exactly. He scored a perfect score from the judges by spotting an approaching speakerphone yeller and started coughing as best he could- deterring the threat.”
Mike: “Stunning Chris. Our competitors have laid it all out here in this event.”
Chris: “What’s next Mike?”
Scan Jam
Mike: “Scan Jam Chris. Here comp-”
Chris: “Nope you’re not gonna put me in one of those again!”
Mike: “Chris! Chris! This if for the competitors remember? Our competitors will have to go through extended scans and will be judged on several factors- ability to stay still, ability to hold their breath, composure in a tight enclosure-”
Chris: “That rhymed!”
Mike: “That it did Chris. They’ll also be judged on clothing and accessories worn for the scans.”
Chris: “Thanks Mike. Here we see brave soul Jeremiah. This warrior took bronze today with a heroic performance. Jeremiah was able to hold his breath successfully for 10 seconds, stayed completely still and only started to panic with about 1 minute left but didn’t squeeze the panic ball.”
Mike: “Where did he lose points Chris?”
Chris: “Good question Mike, you’ll see here Jeremiah wore tight jeans, ear buds, 3 bracelets and forgot to inform the tech of an allergy to the contrast.”
Mike: “Ouch- both for scoring and pain but solid performance. Taking home silver we have Kristen. Kristen arrived sans jewelery and was ready to go. She held her breath for 16 seconds flat and almost made it all the way to the exhale instruction.”
Chris: “What held her back from gold Mike?”
Mike: “The tech couldn’t find her vein, claiming she was dehydrated.”
Chris: “Ouch. But another amazing performance.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris. Our gold medal performance is a master of their craft. Penny is a newcomer but don’t let that fool you. Penny went to the hospital for port access, no vein troubles there. She also arrived 30 minutes early getting in on someone else’s missed appointment and had an edible on the ride over.”
Chris: “That’s not performance enhancing Mike?”
Mike: “She has a medical marijuana card sanctioned by the International Cancer Olympic Committee (ICOC).”
Chris: “These young up and comers are changing the game. Where to next Mike?”
Vein Game
Mike: “The Vein Game Chris. Here our competitors have an IV started- no port access folks, sorry. They will be assessed on facial reaction to pain, ease of vein access, attempts needed, outside help needed (hot packs, vein finder, etc) and the nurse’s reason for difficulty finding your vein.”
Chris: “I do not want to be a competitor here!”
Mike: “…..I don’t believe our competitors want that either Chris……”
Chris: “………….Alright Mike! Who came away with bronze?”
Mike: “Alfonso. While the nurse needed to use heat packs no vein finder was needed and only 3 rotations of the needle in his skin were necessary. The judges however did deduct points for a facial twinge on rotation two.”
Chris: “Wow Mike, what was the excuse given for the trouble?”
Mike: “Thick skin. Either way a great showing.”
Chris: “Just edging past Alfonso is Sophie. Sophie took two attempts but with some fist clenching and two finger slaps from the nurse the entire procedure was done in under a minute. Stunning. The nurse attributed the trouble to dehydration.”
Mike: “The go to. Here we see Jane our gold medal winner. Jane’s vein-”
Chris: “Jane’s vein- that’s fun to say.”
Mike: “That it is Chris, that it is. As I was saying her vein only required one spin which the nurse attributed to hidden veins. Either way a gold medal performance for sure.”
Chris: “What grit and determination out there Mike.”
Mike: “Exactly Chris, let’s head to our final event in the hospital arena.”
The Overnight Gauntlet
Mike: “The Overnight Gauntlet is our final competition.”
Chris: “Sounds tough Mike- what are our competitors in store for?”
Mike: “Here are competitors will try to get sleep-”
Chris: “Didn’t we do this in the Home Arena Mike?”
Mike: “That we did Chris however sleeping in a hospital room brings additional challenges. Competitors must try to get as much sleep as possible with many hurdles in their way like random blood draws, being told “rest” but then being asked questions, random blood pressure cuff initiations, the uneven beeps of hospital monitors, neighboring patients screams and moans and more.”
Chris: “That sounds like a nightmare Mike. Let’s get this over with.”
Mike: “Coming away with Bronze is Michelle. Michelle was able to nab 2 straight hours of sleep. She was woken twice for blood draws- the second being a redraw as her first set came back abnormal. Additionally she had two neighboring patients at full blast- one moaning over and over, eventually becoming a lullaby until the second one started yelling ‘I want to go home!’ over and over.”
Chris: “That’ll do it Mike. Here we see Logan our silver medal winner. Logan stole 3 hours and 10 minutes of sleep. He endured two blood draws and was woken by a monitor lead falling off and alarming the nurses but was able to sleep through all blood pressure cuff readings which just let him edge out Michelle.”
Mike: “What a showing Chris. Taking home gold though is Darrell. Darrell came away with a stunning 4 hours and 50 minutes of sleep.”
Chris: “What?!? That’s unheard of Mike.”
Mike: “It is Chris. Darrell was able to turn his television up, creating a sound barrier that he became accustomed to throughout the day, blocking all sounds out.”
Chris: “Didn’t that wake him up?”
Mike: “No Chris, he put on the religious channel where everyone speaks softly and calmly. A real pro move out there. He was only woken up by his blood draw.”
Chris: “Amazing Mike. A real lesson for our newcomers out there.”
Mike: “That’s going to wrap it up today for our Hospital competitions. Join us next week as we wrap our coverage of this year’s Cancer Olympics. For Chris Collinsworth, I’m Mike Tirico, back to you Bob.”
Bob: “That’s gonna do it for our coverage this week. Join us next week as we cover our last two arenas- Public and Mind. Goodnight America.”