The Cancer Olympics - Mind Competition

Bob Costas: “Hello everyone and thank you for joining us for our fourth and final competition day where we will see our competitors take on their toughest challenge yet- the Mind Competition. For more here’s Mike Tirico and Chris Collinsworth.”

Mike: “Welcome back folks to the final day of competition here at The Cancer Olympics.”

Chris: “Yeah boy do we have a doozy for you today. The Mind Competition is all around the toughest day here. I would liken it to being diagnosed with ca-”

Mike: “That’ll do Chris. Let’s move to the first event.”

What Was I Saying?

Chris: “I say that sometimes too.”

Mike: “We know Chris. Here our competitors will be evaluated on how long they can talk sensibly without forgetting words, phrases or everything all together.”

Chris: “You’re gonna hear the terms chemo brain or cancer brain a lot today. From what I’m told the medicine and traumas associated with cancer can cause memory issues for many a patient.”

Mike: “That’s right. Up first we have our bronze medal winner Jordan clocking in at a time of 47 seconds.”

Chris: “Oh boy, what happened Mike?”

Mike: “Well Jordan was talking about his family and forgot the words Mom and Dad.”

Chris: “Ouch- his parents are not gonna be happy about that. On to silver we see Clarence. Clarence clocked in at a time of 1 minute and 3 seconds. He was derailed completely forgetting what he was talking about altogether which happened to be explaining what he does for a living.”

Mike: “Tough break but no one was going to best Allegra. Allegra stunned our judges with a time of 3 minutes and 21 seconds.”

Chris: “She was lapping people out there Mike!”

Mike: “Exactly. She could have gone on longer but heard a bird chirp and turned to look before forgetting her email address.”

Chris: “Amazing effort out there. What’s next Mike?”

Mike: “Coming up is the What to Do event.”

What to Do?

Chris: “That’s right Mike. Here our competitors will have to successfully complete a task of their choosing and hope that they chose correctly as we will monitor their energy not only today but for two days after.”

Mike: “Exactly Chris, will their choice save them energy for the next few days? Will it jeopardize their week? Will they even make it through the day? Chris, let’s find out.”

Chris: “Here we have our bronze medal winner Tony. Tony had to do laundry, grocery shop or get an oil change for his car. He chose the oil change which resulted in him ordering fast food for dinner and scrambling for clothes for work the next day- draining his energy levels by the next morning.”

Mike: “It’s always a gamble Chris. And Marie felt she was gambling before her silver medal performance. Marie had to take her car to get washed, drop off donations at the local Goodwill and buy her kid a new backpack.”

Chris: “She has a tough decision, how did it play out Mike?”

Mike: “Well she chose the backpack. She figured that if she got the backpack for her son she could drop off donations on the way to a car wash tomorrow. Her only mistake- falling asleep in the car wash machine and not pulling away when it was done. Luckily an attendant was there to help her out.”

Chris: “Scary Mike. She could have been in real hot water.”

Mike: “…….”

Chris: “On to gold Mike. Here we see Warner. He had to choose between taking his dog to the vet, going to get labs drawn and vacuum his house. He went with the vet and boy did it pay off. The vet took some energy out of him but the next day he was able to vacuum early and get his labs drawn. On top of that he was able to pick up a CD copy of his MRI images.”

Mike: “Going above and beyond, that is gold medal effort. Chris let’s head to our next event.”

Avoid the Cliche

Mike: “Hey Chris how are you?”

Chris: “Livin the dream Mike.”

Mike: “That’s exactly it Chris. This event is Avoid the Cliche. Here our competitors will have to make it through a day with the least amount of cliche sayings spoken.”

Chris: “Golly that sounds tough. I see here it says there are no dads in the competition?!?”

Mike: “That’s right Chris. Unfortunately all our dad competitors false started multiple times when the event was just being described.”

Chris: “That’s no surprise I guess.”

Mike: “Let’s kick things off. Up first is Mike with our bronze medal. Mike made it all the way to 11:05am when on Zoom someone asked him how his day was. Unfortunately ‘same crap, different day’ ended Mike’s run.”

Chris: “Tough break. With silver we have Kylie. Kylie almost stumbled a few times but made it to 1:32pm. She cost herself gold when she uttered ‘it could be worse ya know’ to a teammate.”

Mike: “That’ll do it. But coming away with gold today is Ramona. Ramona made it all the way to 5:37pm before she told a waiter at dinner that ‘it is what it is’ after her order came out wrong.”

Chris: “That counts?”

Mike: “Sadly yes, all cliches are counted. Still while she may not have set a world record she took home gold.”

Tear Jerks

Chris: “Tear jerks? Isn’t it tear jerkers Mike?”

Mike: “Normally yes but in this event we are measuring the ‘jerks’ that cause our competitors to break down. How many of these jerks can each competitor endure? Let’s find out.”

Chris: “Got it Mike. Taking home bronze is Walter. Walter endured dropping his keys twice in a row and stubbing his toe on the coffee table but his undoing was dropping the dozen donuts he was bringing to work for his coworkers right outside the office.”

Mike: “Tough to watch Chris. With silver is Zoe. Zoe’s internet was out for 2 hours, her dog threw up twice in the house, and her pharmacy is still out of her meds she desperately needs.”

Chris: “That will do it.”

Mike: “Actually what put her over the edge was a call from her sister asking her why she couldn’t reschedule chemo to attend a cosmetics party she was throwing.”

Chris: “What an as-”

Mike: “That’s right Chris.”

Chris: “Taking home gold today is Daphne. Daphne’s power went out during the night causing her to miss her alarm, her car had a flat tire and was blocked in by another car. Incredibly she took this as a sign to take the day off and went back in and slept. Unfortunately her upstairs neighbor let the bath run too long and Daphne awoke to a waterscape in her apartment. She couldn’t help but laugh at how horrible the day was going until her downstairs neighbor- that’s right she’s on the second floor- came pounding and screaming at her thinking it was her fault. This was the final piece to her crappy puzzle that made her laughs turn to defeated cries.”

Mike: “I’d say for that she deserves gold Chris.”

Chris: “My thoughts exactly Mike.”

Mike: “Let’s head over to our final event of the day Chris.”

Toxic Positivity

Chris: “Toxic Positivity? Like testing positive for a bad illness?”

Mike: “Not quite, here our competitors will have to endure life with cancer topped off with people telling them to think positive or be positive in various ways.”

Chris: “That sounds pretty shitty Mike.”

Mike: “We’re on NBC Chris, NBC…. But yes it is. With bronze we have Charlie. Charlie walked into work today visibly tired and worn down to which a coworker told him ‘cheer up Charlie, at least you’re walking.’ Charlie dismissively laughed it off.”

Chris: “He’s a better man than I am Mike.”

Mike: “Well later on his boss asked him why he didn’t attend a quick coffee chat earlier to which Charlie informed him that he was in the bathroom and could not really ‘leave’ at that time. His boss’ response was ‘come on Chuck, you gotta seize the day!’”

Chris: “Uh oh.”

Mike: “Exactly. Charlie’s responded with ‘I was seizing the stall walls as I violently vomited jefe.’”

Chris: “Good on him Mike. Let’s take a look at our silver medal winner here. Tammy had a treatment day where she endured a couple ‘you look greats’ and ‘another day above ground’ but what really set her off was her father telling her that she has to ‘look on the bright side of life.’ This was in response to her saying she spent all night in the bathroom and got no sleep.”

Mike: “Her own father?!?”

Chris: “Yup. She responded by hanging up the phone and putting it on silent.”

Mike: “Pro move right there Chris. Wrapping up our day with gold is Eric. Eric recently had a setback and had to be hospitalized for a week. Many a nurse, tech and staff told him things like ‘it’s a beautiful day, be happy we’re alive and the lord gave us another day.’”

Chris: “They really put him to the test.”

Mike: “They did but his breaking point was a few days in, still very sick, when the social worker came in and told him that he has to ‘think positive and look on the bright side of life.’ Eric responded calmly telling him he would kindly like him to ‘find that bright side and shove it.’’

Chris: “(laughing) I like that Eric.”

Mike: “I thought you would Chris. Well thank you to all our competitors the last two weeks. Join Bob Costas later as we have the Closing Ceremony. For Chris Collinsworth, I’m Mike Tirico, good night folks.”