The Cancer Olympics - Public Competition
Bob Costas: “Welcome to day three of the Cancer Olympics. Today we will visit the Public Competition. Here are competitors will face a menagerie of tests that will push the limits of their bodies and minds and remind everyone that the world would be a great place if it wasn’t for all the people. Here to take it away as always are Mike and Chris.”
Mike: “Thanks Bob. Welcome in folks to the third day of our Cancer Olympics coverage and the Public Competition. What does today look like for our competitors Chris?”
Chris: “Ooooh boy do we have a full day ahead- weather, people, more people and so much more are in store. Call off work, turn your phone off and dial in as you will not want to miss a second.”
Mike: “Couldn’t have said it better friend and with that let’s kick it off with our first event today."
Stare or Glare
Chris: “Stare or Glare. Yes here are competitors will have to determine correctly if a stranger, or acquaintance is staring at them or simply just glaring quickly.”
Mike: “This might sound easy but Chris explain what they will face.”
Chris: “Yeah Mike, they’re going to deal with men, women and children- some in sunglasses and some with hats on. There will be visual stimulations and attractions all over.”
Mike: “Let’s get into it. Coming away with Bronze today is Bruce. Bruce had an accuracy rate of 53% Not bad considering Bruce was just diagnosed this year. He missed out on a child staring at him. While he thought it was just a curious kid the little boy was actually wondering where his eyebrows were.”
Chris: “Kids are the tricky ones here.”
Mike: “Not going to expound on that Chris but one of Bruce’s shining moments was an older woman with her mouth open looking on bewildered but as Bruce correctly guessed it was not at him but the spray painted street artist who appeared to be floating.”
Chris: “Nice job Bruce. With Silver is Luna. Luna is a teenage cancer patient diagnosed years ago so sadly at her young age she is a veteran already. And boy were those skills on display today with a 71% accuracy rate.”
Mike: “Chris I saw her earlier turn a double play- spotting a woman staring at another who was gawking at Luna.”
Chris: “That’s right she correctly identified that woman 1 was staring at woman 2 and that woman 2 was staring at her with her pity face. It’s performances like that that put you on the podium.”
Mike: “Atop that podium though Chris is Cheyenne. Cheyenne stunned the crowd with a new record accuracy rate of 86%”
Chris: “Unheard of Mike!!!”
Mike: “Chris she would have scored higher but she missed her own cousin staring at her sadly."
Chris: “That’s a tough one to miss but still a legendary performance by Cheyenne. What’s next Mike?”
Am I Prepared?
Mike: “Chris that brings us to Am I Prepared? Here competitors will have to pack their go bags/cancer bags/sick bags/etc for the day successfully. Will they pack everything they need? Or will they end up in a messy situation?”
Chris: “Messy situation Mike?”
Mike: “Let’s get into it Chris. First up is Devon. Devon thought he could face the day with a mask, chapstick, Queasy Drops and half a Xanax.”
Chris: “That sounds like a good start Mike.”
Mike: “Chris, what is a cancer patient’s number one rule?”
Chris: “NEVER. TRUST. A. FART.”
Mike: “That’s right and let’s just say Devon had to go home at 11am to freshen up.”
Chris: “Tough showing but somehow that clinched Bronze.”
Mike: “Just goes to show you how tough the competition is.”
Chris: “Well with silver we have Brock. Brock came a little more prepared with masks, lotion, headphones, half a xanax and sunglasses. All was going well until a late lunch at 130pm. What was mild salsa for everyone turned out to be napalm for Brock.”
Mike: “Let me guess- no magic mouthwash?”
Chris: “Nope, and when over the counter numbing mouthwash didn’t work Brock had to head home for relief.”
Mike: “He toughed it out as long as he could. With gold though here comes Jenna. Jenna came stocked like she was flying cross country- Xanax, Imodium, pain killers, electrolyte powder, Zofran, diapers, a change of clothes, wipes and more.”
Chris: “Whoa did she have a fleet of bags?”
Mike: “Nope just a well packed purse. Her planning allowed her to avoid two bathroom accidents, one vicious nausea attack and some anxiety. She lasted until 6:45pm, another record broken here today.”
Chris: “Oh boy Mike, we’re seeing some heroic performances today.”
Mike: “That’s right Chris and coming up are a few more.”
Pace the Day
Chris: “This sounds an awful lot like our last competition Mike.”
Mike: “While it does share some similarities here we will see competitors try to accomplish errands and tasks before they crash. They will be judged on tasks completed.”
Chris: “Well Mike with Bronze we have Chris! I’m a fan already. Chris was able to pick up his prescriptions and go to two doctor’s appointments.”
Mike: “Great effort out of Chris. With silver we have Marco. Marco was able to go the post office and grocery shopping.”
Chris: “I don’t want to criticize our competitors but that doesn’t seem like a performance that would edge out Chris.”
Mike: “Well grocery shopping was at Costco.”
Chris: “Ooooh.”
Mike: “On a weekend.”
Chris: “Okay I stand corrected!”
Mike: “Exactly. I’m not sure how that performance was topped.”
Chris: “Well let’s take a look Mike. Here comes Hank. Hank put on a clinic today. Going grocery shopping, to Target, two children’s T-ball games and a 5th birthday party.”
Mike: “I’m in shock Chris- I don’t know if I could do that.”
Chris: “The secret was in his preparation. You’ll see he rode the motorized cart at Target, brought a camping chair for the games versus steel bleachers and sat in one of those massaging recliners at the party.”
Mike: “Preparation makes champions. And now on to even more champions.”
Where to Rest?
Mike: “Ah a perfect transition into our next event.”
Chris: “That’s right Mike. Here we’ll see competitors being evaluated on their ability to find a good resting spot and get quality rest.”
Mike: “Should be an interesting showing Chris.”
Chris: “It is as you’ll see with our bronze medal winner Teddy. Teddy just got his morning exercise of a walk outside and became winded. As the morning turns to midday the temperature is rising- where will he rest? Teddy spots his favorite bench on his walking path and grabs a seat, getting a solid 15 minutes of rest in before resuming.”
Mike: “Seems flawless but clearly points were lost somewhere.”
Chris: “That’s right. You’ll see as Teddy gets up there is bird shit on the back of his shirt, something he didn’t spot before sitting. Also Teddy was in the sun.”
Mike: “A big risk due to the many medications. Either way kudos to Teddy. Next is Amanda with silver. Amanda went to her local pharmacy to shop and pick up prescriptions. This was a known destination and a safe place for Amanda, she did most of her shopping before sitting at the pharmacy to rest for a few minutes.”
Chris: “Where did she slip up Mike?”
Mike: “Well you’ll see here a man sits next to her coughing and sneezing, no mask on for him nor for Amanda. A costly mistake in an otherwise flawless showing.”
Chris: “That’s going to haunt her Chris. One competitor who won’t be haunted is Lana. Lana took her teens to the mall for back to school shopping.”
Mike: “That’s no small undertaking for the able-bodied folks!”
Chris: “Exactly Mike. This veteran put on a show- after two stores she secured a comfy seat near the food court, popping a queasy drop before hand, and let the kids shop. After that she hit up 2 more stores then headed to the car.”
Mike: “What about the kids?”
Chris: “Here’s where she really made her name known. She rested in the quiet car but not before she loaded her kids debit cards with cash to shop.”
Mike: “And folks that’s how legends are born. Lana will be immortalized in this competition.”
Chris: “Couldn’t have said it better Mike.”
Emotional Outbursts
Mike: “And on to our final event of the day- Emotional Outbursts.”
Chris: “Mike this event is one I’ve been looking forward to all day.”
Mike: “I think most of our audience is as well.”
Chris: “In this event our competitors will be judged on length of time until freakout, level of freakout and the appropriateness of freakout for the situation.”
Mike: “Let’s get it started Chris. With bronze we have Louise. Louise was waiting in line to check out at Walgreens. Here we see her patiently waiting until she’s next up when some man just cuts right in front of her.”
Chris: “Uh oh.”
Mike: “Uh oh is right Chris. Louise immediately informs the man of his egregious error. Before he has a chance to respond she lays into him and informs him that he cut off a terminal cancer patient, a patient that can barely stand and only want to get home to take her medicine and enjoy the one pleasure she has in this life left- half a Kit Kat.”
Chris: “Rightfully so. How come she only came away with bronze?”
Mike: “Well in an interview after the event the man informed our team that he was unaware of the line and would have happily moved to his rightful place.”
Chris: “Those technicalities will always trip you up. Let’s move on to silver. Here we see Jeremy on the bus coming home from chemo. As he puts in his earbuds he tries to relax on the crowded afternoon bus home. Listening to the relaxing sounds of Chappell Roan he is interrupted by the laugh and loud speakerphone conversation of some suited finance bro.”
Mike: “I think I see where this is going.”
Chris: “Yup. After turning up the volume with no relief Jeremy had had enough. He took his earbuds out and went on a tirade unlike anything we have ever seen. Words like ‘entitled, prick, self centered, asshole and more’ were uttered- some not safe for our viewers at home.”
Mike: “You just swore on live television Chris.”
Chris: “Well that was a freebie. Anyways he returned to his seat triumphant but we’re about to see where he lost the gold. Forgetting his earbuds were out he put his music back on which was at full blast. He then drops his phone trying to turn it down which slides to the back of the bus blasting:”
Mike: “I have to imagine the song choice kept him in the running?”
Chris: “Absolutely Mike. He was able to laugh it off with his seat mate even.”
Mike: “Nice recovery. Let’s move on to our gold medal performance. Here we see Reina in her oncology center waiting room.”
Chris: “A real minefield for a competition like this.”
Mike: “Exactly. Here she finds a seat off to the side not next to anyone. A pro move, until someone comes and sits directly across from her with a cough that would star in a mucinex commercial.”
Chris: “Let me guess- unmasked?”
Mike: “Exactly. Where she earned points was looking at his wrists and spotting no admission bracelet which allowed her to unleash a fury from hell, making the man leave and get a mask.”
Chris: “Stellar performance.”
Mike: “Oh she wasn’t done Chris. As she is called to the front desk to complete her check in a woman steps in front of her asking to validate her parking. This is where Reina secured the gold. A polite ‘excuse me’ from Reina to inform the woman she cut in front of her to which the woman waved her off.”
Chris: “Uh oh.”
Mike: “Reina takes the parking ticket out of her hand, rips it up and drops the line of the year, ‘validated, bitch.’”
Chris: “What a showing Mike.”
Mike: “And what a great way to close out the day. To Reina and all our other competitors we congratulate you. Back to you Bob”
Bob: “Thank you again for tuning in. Join us later this week for our final competition. Goodnight America.”