The Cancer Olympics - The Opening Ceremony
*Olympic theme plays, but instead of the normal instruments of your classic orchestra, the soundtrack is composed of various sounds cancer patients are familiar with. Beeps from IVs and vital monitoring screens, the entire percussion section comprised of CT and MRI machine sounds, wheels scooting across hospital floors, nurses paging systems and more*
Ryan Seacrest: “Hello I’m Ryan Seacrest from TV’s everything. Joining me today, a legend in the comedy game and in being disrespectful to subordinates, Ellen DeGeneres.”
Ellen DeGeneres: “Hi America- remember me? We used to dance and-”
Ryan: “No one remembers that haha. All we remember is that we’re not supposed to look you in the eyes. Either way we’ve teamed up to bring you the first Cancer Olympics…..and to save the network’s wardrobe budget as we both will be wearing the same thing.”
Ellen: “That’s right, Ryan and I will be here, varying shades of gray suits and all, to bring you some of the most uplifting and sad stories that will tug at your heart strings and make you say things like ‘What courage! Thoughts and prayers. & But they don’t look sick.’ And they don’t!”
Ryan: “That’s right, we will definitely hear things like that and don’t forget ‘It could always be worse’ Ellen. But now let’s start with our opening songs.”
Ellen: “First up a performance that many a cancer patient is familiar with- and some might even be tired of.”
Ryan: “An amazing song that no doubt every patient has heard a million times. Up next, we can’t forget about our strongest competitor- insurance providers.”
Ellen: “Year after year these criminals come out and take it all, truly consistently the worst people.”
Ellen: singing “ ‘I want money (that’s what I want)’ and Ryan they’re going to get it”
Ryan: awkward TV laugh “That’s right- from most of these people coming our way now.”
Ellen: “Speaking of Ryan, who do we have coming our way first?”
Ryan: “Here comes the good canc-”
Ellen: “Nope we can’t say that. Also we would like to remind our insurance folks to hold their boos for the end please.”
Ryan: “That’s right. Remember their cancer might be removed but you’ll still collect on therapy sessions, routine labs and scans too.”
Ellen: “Coming up next we have the childhood cancer patients.”
*ROARS ERUPT IN THE CROWD OF LOUD APPLAUSE*
Ryan: “Wow Ellen you can really hear the insurance providers going wild.”
Ellen: “Yeah this is their hands down favorite group. Their hope is that this group will live long so they can keep milking them and their families for every cent they have.”
Ryan: “What a feel bad story. Oh here comes one of our larger teams, the breast cancer team.”
Ellen: “Now Ryan, this team holds the record for most claims rejected.”
Ryan: “That’s right, they’re in Aetna’s Hall of Shame.”
Ellen: “Here comes a sea of orange. This must be our kidney cancer team.”
Ryan: “Some say they’re included just because the person writing this imaginary event has kidney cancer.”
Ellen: “I’ve heard that too Ryan.”
Ryan: “You know what that song means- it’s the brain cancer team”
Ellen: “Good to see they still have their sense of humor.”
Ryan: “And our next team is sponsored by Coppertone, here comes the Melanoma team.”
Ellen: “Ryan as we wrap up here one of our final teams makes its way down.”
Ryan: “Here comes the lymphoma team with what appears to be one white blood cell.”
Ellen: “Well Ryan it’s been a great opening ceremony. The rest of our teams are entering the arena now.”
Ryan: “Wonderful display down there Ellen. Now one question are readers viewers at home may have is- what do the colors symbolize?”
Ellen: “Well according to the guy writing this blog and a random internet search our research team, they represent the ribbon color associated with that cancer.”
Ryan: “Wow clearly a lot of research was done there.”
Ellen: “That’s right. I believe it’s time for me to sign off now and go yell at some poor PA in the back.”
Ryan: “You better watch out back there guys. For Ellen, I’m Ryan Seacrest and I’m signing off to go host one of my other million jobs. Join us later for competition analysis.”
*closing song plays*
(Let me know what “events” would make it in these olympics)