The Thief

It takes and takes and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Once you notice it it’s no longer hidden. It is brazen, belligerent and a bully. Alliteration aside, if you didn’t guess it yet I am speaking about cancer of course.

Cancer, via my body, is taking constantly. It takes my energy- leaving me a shell of myself as I constantly try to stay afloat through the fatigue. This weekend (starting Friday after work) I was in bed more than I wasn’t- by a big margin. A cool side effect from being in bed that much- my back was completely shot. Disc issues, metastasized cancer in multiple areas of my spine and just being over 30, my back wasn’t in tip top shape anyways.

I’m Grandpa Joe, minus the miraculous health he gained upon hearing he was going to a chocolate factory.

The worst part of it, I fear that people will resent me. I feel useless, lazy, a bum. People are going places and doing things and I can’t. Rachel continues to pick up more and more since I got diagnosed. Even the kids are doing more chores and helping out more. I feel bad and guilty about it all as I sit there or lay down and rest. Honestly, I feel like a piece of shit a lot of the time because of this. Now, to be clear, no one has said anything or implied or given me any reason to believe this is how they feel.

Truthfully it’s the opposite usually. I’m being told to rest and not worry. I even acknowledged it in therapy and we both agreed that it is completely in my head. But knowing that doesn’t make it go away. In the moment I usually feel useless and lazy. The real problem? I worry the kids will have to take on more and more as I decline and they will have anger and resentment on top of the feelings they will be going through as I pass in front of them. Again, I’m we’re being robbed by cancer.

I’ve touched on it above but mental peace is another thing cancer is robbing from me. If you are a subscriber here you no doubt know this already. Some weeks I feel like I can’t stop crying. Sometimes it’s anger and self pity. Even the good and great moments, cancer will whisper in my ear things like: “How many more of these do you have?” or “This is great but won’t the kids have this memory ruined by dad being sick and dying soon after?” or my favorite “Those kids are so wonderful and amazing. Too bad you are losing each other soon.” Either way my mind constantly has the alarm going off- robbery in progress. There’s no police response or even an end to it. The mental peace store has the door propped open and cancer is walking in with muddy boots making a huge mess and it’s walking out with the best of the best- leaving turmoil and sadness behind. It doesn’t end.

Time (and life) is the big one. It overlaps with all the above too. Time is lost mentally struggling. How do I function if I’m spiraling or just having a breakdown? Energy is a tricky one. I need to rest to have energy but again I’m losing time when I’m resting. But it doesn’t matter anyways because fatigue will never let you feel rested and awake. It’s a cruel joke, cancer. I know you’re probably thinking “It’s not a joke dummy.” And you’re right, but why would you call a cancer patient a dummy? Jeez. But in ways it is a joke. Cancer in the movies makes you think you’re going to come out on top and survive- becoming an inspiration to everyone. Wrong. People often look at life and the world differently, changing their priorities and realizing what is really important. The joke? Well there’s a good chance you won’t get to practice any of it because you’re constantly sick or in pain. Cancer just flat out sucks.

That’s all I got for today because as you probably guessed, I’m exhausted.

-Joe