This is 40

I turned 40 last week. It feels unreal and too real all at once. Mentally I am grateful but if the great philosophers Rascal Flatts, who repeated another philosopher, are correct and life is in fact a highway, my gratitude is me in the right lane trying to peacefully enjoy the road. Fear and worry is the tricked out Honda loudly buzzing and tailgating me with an open left lane to pass me.

Perfect analogies aside, I am always grateful for everyday I get. But, and there’s always a but

-fear is always close behind. The natural thoughts that flooded in are:

“Is this my last birthday?”

“40 should be about a halfway point maybe, not the end.”

“How come Ruffles have no competition in the ‘plain potato chips that you can dip without breaking’ category?”

All normal thoughts. All sad ones (if you look at the third from Lays’ point of view). My birthday was rough for most of the actual day. People reached out and were kind and generous and loving and it just flashes everything you’re going to lose in your face over and over. I loved hearing from everyone and wouldn’t change that but it also hurts at the same time- both are true.

My birthday weekend was really good though. Actually there were a lot of bright moments in the last few weeks leading up to it too. Last month a bunch of my closest friends organized a weekend getaway to a cabin. There was about 12 of us or so, give or take. It was perfect and relaxing and long overdue- cancer or not. It was fun, peaceful, therapeutic and really special. Big thank you to those guys AND their families- I know a weekend away isn’t so easy to come by but it meant a lot and I tear up writing this because it still makes me both happy and sorrowful over what is eventually to come.

Just some of the guys that made it.

There’s an old saying that I’m butchering but it’s so hard to lose all of these things and people eventually because they’re so great and genuinely care about me- and always have.

You’ve heard about my ER visit and stay which was the weekend after the above trip. The weekend after the hospital was an amazing vacation that will get it’s own post sometime soon. Back to my birthday though because it’s my birthday and I’ll cry whether I want to or not.

Friday night the kids surprised me with Chicago Bulls tickets for their last regular season home game. It was also the kids first Bulls game which was cool to see them take in and experience it all- the banners, the trophies, the history and of course the concessions

Bulls photo but make it Bob’s Burgers

Saturday my parents took us out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Benihana. There will be no Benihana hate tolerated on this page ever. Secret Benihana hack- go with a vegetarian and two kids who don’t like shrimp and you will get all the shrimp. We had a great time and for a lot of the dinner life felt almost normal- until I decided to play the role of serial killer out for dinner during the photo opportunity.

Sunday was nice too, relaxed and then ended the weekend seeing a (animal free) circus. I don’t have any photos of the circus but if Circus Vasquez is near you go see it. All weekend my family spoiled me and it felt really nice and again- life felt almost normal for a little bit.

So thank you all for the love, the kindness and overall support. It makes it all a little less shitty. That’s it for now. I have a PET scan Friday. Right now my mind is keeping busy and avoiding dwelling on it but if history is any indication of what’s to come then seek shelter before I spiral inevitably.

-Joe