Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity, an oxymoron- a figure of speech I first learned about in the cinematic masterpiece Renaissance Man.

Yes this is my second reference to this movie and I will not hear any slander- look at this cast: Danny DeVito, Gregory Hines, Ed Begley Jr., Lillo Brancato (Calogero from Bronx Tale), Stacey Dash, Kadeem Hardison, Mark Wahlberg, Jenifer Lewis and more. We can be toxically positive about this movie.

Alas, I digress. We are not here to marvel at Danny DeVito, Gregory Hines, Stacey Dash (pre-meltdown) or Mark Wahlberg (post/mid racism- look it up). We are here to talk about Toxic Positivity.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (I am not the founder) states that toxic positivity occurs when “encouraging statements are expected to minimize or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation.”y.,

We’re going to break down the 5 W’s of Toxic Positivity:

• Who are the perpetrators of Toxic Positivity?

  • Cancer patients

  • Loved ones

  • Strangers

  • Medical professionals

  • Friends of friends

  • Even ourselves at times

• What are examples of Toxic Positivity?

  • “Everything happens for a reason”

  • “There’s always a silver lining”

  • “God has a plan”

  • “God gives his strongest soldiers his toughest battles”

  • “Make the best of each moment”

  • “Look on the bright side…”

  • “You can’t sit around feeling….”

  • “Dwelling on this won’t help”

  • “Have faith”

  • “It could always be worse”

  • “Think positively”

  • “It’s the good cancer”

• Where do we encounter Toxic Positivity?

  • Everywhere! In person and online

• When is Toxic Positivity appropriate?

  • When you want to be told to f*ck off.

• Why do people engage in Toxic Positivity so much?

  • There’s a couple reasons I’m sure but I think the big one is that people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say- often saying this to feel better themselves. I used to think whatever and just let it roll off but not anymore. Please take my cancer and you can show me how easy it is.

I know most of it is well intentioned and if it works for yourself then more power to you. Let’s role play though a little shall we?

Not that kind of role playing.

Let’s set the scene, your sibling just died unexpectedly. Please pick the correct response below:

*friend approaches you, having just heard the news*

1. “You just have to keep going and think positively.”

2. “They’re in a better place.”

3. “God has a plan.”

4. “Try not to dwell on it.”

5. “It could be worse.”

6. “Everything happens for a reason.”

7. “This fucking sucks and I’m sorry.” *hugs you*

Now which one made you feel better……? If you choose anything but 7 congratulations, you should work for Hallmark in their “We don’t care just buy our $8 cards” department. And, none of the above is probably the best answer. In these times there’s not much, if anything you can say to make things better. That’s a tough pill to swallow for many trying to be supportive but if you truly want to be supportive you need to recognize that.

Try to bring positivity to the person you’re trying to help in a non-toxic way. Being there, supporting them, listening, taking things off their plate and more are all great examples.

Struggling with what to say? Here are some ideas:

• “I’m sorry.”

• “I’m here anytime for you.”

• “This really sucks, I’m sorry.”

• “I love you and I’m here with you.”

You get the idea. Generally acknowledging the truth is the way to go. If you’re trying to bring positivity into their life look for a good opportunity to care for them- take them to a movie, out for lunch, movie night in, comedy specials and wine, a million dollar check- whatever it is to get their mind off the reality without trying to get them to spin a tragedy or trauma into a catalyst for a life changing revolution or something.

So in conclusion, if you’re going to say something to someone that you think will help, ask yourself- is this helpful for them or for me? Is this something I would want to hear in a situation where you’re experiencing tragedy or trauma?

Other ideas of things to say versus things not to say:

• “I’m sorry vs. Cancer, I hardly know her”

  • Okay maybe dad jokes are okay.

• “I’m here for you vs. everything happens for a reason.”

  • Well what’s the reason Todd?

• “Shut up Drake vs. This is God’s Plan”

  • Sides are drawn

• “This f*ckin sucks vs. well the good thing is…..”

  • Trust me, most will appreciate the honesty and might even laugh.

• “I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m here vs. you’re so brave and strong, a real inspiration.”

  • I’m really not brave, I think the majority of people are going to choose to try to live and since the only other choice is death I’m actually not being brave.

• “How is treatment going vs. have you tried my uncle’s neighbor’s mechanic’s boyfriend’s step-puppy’s supplement line?”

• “Show me that smile again vs. you should be happy…..”

  • You must sing it though:

• “I got you this…. vs. you know what you need to do?”

  • It doesn’t have to be anything crazy- could be a letter, a small gesture or whatever.

• “I’m glad you’re alive vs. it could always be worse.”

  • Yeah, I could have more cancer. But thank you for minimizing my pain- that’s my job actually.

• “How can I show up for you vs. have faith”

  • George Michael had faith and where is he now? That’s right, dead.

• “Let’s go to/do… vs. you can’t dwell on it.”

  • Oh hold on let me finish bathroom trip number 8, down these pills and then sit down because I carried a hamper up the stairs. Then I won’t dwell I promise.

• “I love you vs look on the bright side”

  • Which side of the shit sandwich is the bright side Brandon Flowers?

• “How are you really vs at least you don’t look sick”

  

• “Treat yo self vs. SuGaR cAuSeS cAnCeR”

  • Oh is this scoop of ice cream going to help my cancer get that final leg up on me? Will it’s also helping the mouth sores so quiet Sharon.

-Joe