What to Do When You Get Cancer

From no expert at all

First let’s not forget to celebrate the holidays.

So you have cancer? Or you’re planning on getting it, either way welcome. I’m (not) glad you’re here- at some random strangers blog. Here I’m going to provide you the keys to ace having cancer and live a wonderful life.

Let’s get a few things out of the way:

• Not all cancers are the same. Thus, this post will generalize everything I’ve heard or done for every other person. You’re welcome.

• None of this is medical advice as I am not a medical professional. My brilliance and technical terminology I use clearly have you fooled.

• If you have multiple cancers just multiply the below guide to fit your need.

Okay, now that we have the disclaimers out of the way let’s imagine you just heard from your doctor that you have cancer. Here are some useful things that may help you out- not to beat cancer but to be really good at having it?

What to Bring to Your Appointments

• Wear a wire. You want to record everything your doctor says because guess what? This is the start of cancer brain where you’ll remember nothing important but everything that’s not, like the theme song for Bagel Bites or the name of the QB who was displaced by hurricane Katrina in Friday Night Lights that replaced Matt Saracen until Coach Taylor benched him for insubordination.

• Smartphone- You’re going to want to take notes and bring questions in. Also you’re going to want to have the ability to talk to your cousin on speaker in the waiting room at full volume.

• Veins- You will undoubtedly hear multiple times “I can’t seem to find your vein.” So bring them because not every hospital has the vein finder machine (which is as cool as it sounds).

  • Also with as far as medicine and technology have come we still play the game of feel, poke and hope to start IVs or blood draws but we can shoot lasers inside you if needed?

• Your name and date of birth at the ready. You will be asked no less than 8 times each visit, and yes, there will be a time you forget.

Things to Get/Buy

• Sense of humor- You might think “Joe, why would I need that, this is horrible life changing news?” Great question. Well you’ll have plenty of sadness, reflection, contemplation and more but if you can’t laugh you’re going to go insane.

• Clothing- If you don’t have comfortable clothing already at your disposal you should go get some- also do you sleep in jeans weirdo? I digress- depending on your treatment you may be at the hospital all the time and you may be there for hours at a time. You may have a port as well so button up shirts or port shirts (they exist) are the way to go. Your nurse will thank you and you want to be known as the easy patient in the cancer center.

  • The easy patient or the favorite is key- you will get in quicker, better snacks, warm blankets, and really you want to win at being a patient.

• Pill organizer(s)- Welcome to the age of sorting out your daily pills. You know how cowboys in movies were heard by the sound of their spurs? You’re now going to be Pilly the Kid and the rattle of pills in plastic bottles will be your calling card.

• Optional Items:

  • Lotion- Your skin will dry out inevitably. Washing hands repeatedly, medicine side effects and other reasons. Get the lotion and put it in the basket or you will get the hose.

  • Lemon hard candy- It might seem counterintuitive but cancer treatment can cause oral side effects from dry mouth to sores and so on. You will find lemon heads or similar items in many a cancer center waiting room.

  • Queasy Drops- You can find these on Amazon and they help combat the nausea you will no doubt get at some point. You’ll probably want Zofran too for when it’s real bad.

  • Pepto/Tums/Imodium- No details, just know your GI system will now be as unpredictable as a toddler on sugar who missed a nap.

  • Headphones- You want to tune out a lot- or at least appear to. People will offer you unsolicited advice and ask the most random questions. Examples include: “I’m so sorry, are you going to die? But you look so good. What caused your cancer? Have you tried taking pigeon extract it worked for my cousin?” And other cool things like that from all the secret doctors walking around.

  • Distractions- Crosswords, sudoku, coloring books, the Cheesecake Factory menu- whatever you need to pass the time.

  • A charged phone and possibly a backup battery for said phone.

  • Playlists- You want to line up specific playlists for what you need. Here are some examples:

    • Rage- For when you feel the world is against you. This is a popular one.

    • Sadness- Another favorite. Feel like you want to swim in tears, fire up your saddest 16 year old first breakup songs to live in.

    • Delusion- This one is your happy song playlist. Understand why it’s titled Delusion?

• Cancer bag- You want a backpack or something to carry the items above as well as any meds, iPads, snacks, change of clothes, forgotten hopes and dreams- you get the point. Also for bonus points feel free to decorate your bag with some slogan like “I went to the hospital and all I got was this cancer” or “Is my cancer showing?”

• MANDATORY: A therapist- Preferably one who specializes in cancer patients. Really you should have one already to deal with the never ending horrors of life. Also don’t drop them when you’re “cancer free” because I have news for you, that stuff lives in your head forever.

Miscellaneous

• Support groups- Gilda’s Club, Gilda’s Club, Gilda’s Club.

• Journal- It could be in your phone but you want a place to track your symptoms, side effects, mental well being and your day to day. This will help you stay organized as your brain has now shifted to a part time employee.

• Social Media- I know social media is a dumpster fire inside of a Walmart on Black Friday but the one good thing I have found is there are cancer support groups and friends out there who truly want to help and support. We probably all have seen neighborhood groups where Debbie and Alan argue over the way a trash can is placed OR the standard Coyote posts or Gunshot or Fireworks posts. I promise it’s not that. There are actually good people out there who want to help you even as a stranger. There’s probably even a group out there specific to your subtype, even if rare. You’ll get emotional support, helpful tips, products you should get and avoid and more.

• Disabled Parking Placard- This is a tough one and not mandatory. However it’s nice to have in case you do need it. Try to fight the embarrassment or feelings of “I don’t deserve it.” At the least it is there if you’re having a rough day.

I don’t really have any other updates right now health wise. I start my pills and infusions back up in exactly a week so we’ll see how my body decides to handle it again.

Spoiler alert- it will not magically handle it better.

Also unrelated, go check out Noah Kahan’s rereleased deluxe album and the group Infinity Song (signed by Jay-Z it’s a group of four siblings that are folk leaning?)

-Joe