WORLD CANCER DAY. . .
. . . is everyday
February 4th, 2025 is World Cancer Day. A day dedicated to raising awareness, cancer prevention (to the extent it can be prevented) and mobilising action to add address the growing epidemic that is cancer.
I don’t want to, nor can I speak for all with cancer, but for me World Cancer Day is every day, hour, minute and second. I am aware with every inch of me that I have cancer and that cancer has me. It grows as the days pass. It is a long drawn out battle. Wins and losses come often but as the fight goes on, the battlefield will not recover nor will it ever be better than it was the day before. And unfortunate for me, the battlefield and I are one- no repair or salvage to be found.
Scars are apparent- haunted reminders of pain and death’s presence. Not all scars or reminders are visible though. Some you get, some you’ll leave. But scarred skin is never healed, and the internal scars come unsealed. The physical scars become your new reality- bumps, gashes, lumps, and loss of feeling are all now normal. There’s no more missing pieces or new disfigurements- it is me, me as I am. This is my World Cancer Day- this is everyday- this is life.
Always taking- cancer is a greedy bastard, unrelenting in its quest to consume and destroy.
That is my esophagus above, sorry for the lack of warning. This biopsy showed the cancer had resurfaced. Note: The cancer was and is always there, just at times not visible or easy to find, so truly I was never cancer free. I knew the cancer would be “back.” A friend in my Gilda’s Club group therapy shared the wisdom that if your cancer is metastatic at all it will come back or resurface easier. It didn’t make it easier to stomach but it was less shocking.
Hand IVs versus port accessing now feels long ago, and barbaric. The photos above I remember- feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair, hope, positivity, fear, pain and more. These are the hallmarks, the price of admission, of cancer.
More treatment, fun, manicures and sterile hospital facilities. More cancer in more places. That is now life- more is a negative, as in “more cancer” and less is a negative also, as in “less time and life.”
Now the picture above is my reality. Weight loss, fatigue, pain, medication, sadness and more. Slower, lighter, older and weaker.
When I see the picture above I see
Sorrow
Pain
Fatigue
Loss
Fear
Worry
Want
Hope
Cancer
and Me.
I see me. It might be simple to put it that way but I see me. Some days that’s what I must hold on to- literally just being able to see myself. Existing, even if it is existing just in the small realization I can see, feel and hear life around me.
World Cancer Day is everyday for me- I just hope that everyday, for the foreseeable future, living is as well.
Update on Current Situation:
I have been on my daily Lenvima pill for about two weeks now. Side effects for now are mainly fatigue with some occasional temperature variations and discomfort. Oh and more weight loss.
I had my first Keytruda infusion last Thursday. So far so good however the effects are cumulative and even then, after multiple infusions, can be well tolerated.
Today I go see my radiation oncologist again. We will be reviewing radiating my left arm/shoulder and potentially a spot in my left hip. While radiation can potentially prevent further growth at this point it is now for pain mitigation. My speculation is that I will probably receive about 10 rounds of radiation again as that seemed to work last time.
In a week I will visit with palliative care with the goal to best manage my pain and side effects. Currently I take morphine twice a day for pain control and I have dilaudid for breakthrough pain on top of this however, the goal is to best manage and treat the pain and side effects as I progress.
Scans are still every three months unless things get worse.
-Joe
I admire your courage and your honesty in these posts, Joe. Be strong and keep posting so people will understand what it's like to experience life-threatening cancers. Best regards.
I see you too and in your words I see myself. I can’t tell you how many times I read something you’ve written and said to myself “same, sigh, same” or chuckle because I was just trying to express the exact same sentiment (often unsuccessfully) I think we all crave being seen and heard and even though we have folks by our sides, it’s only through other patients that I feel truly understood . Thank you for being honest, funny, vulnerable, and brave…sharing your experiences does so much good for our world.