Blame (s)Canada

Not me, in case for some reason you thought I like running.

The smoke from the Canadian wildfires is all anyone wants to talk about. I get it, it’s odd and different, I guess I’m indifferent. It is weird to see kids outside playing in masks but they’ve had the last few years to get used to them I guess. So is this a post about the wildfires and how we can change society and reverse global warming? No- certainly not. I just needed something in the title to go with the word “scan.” I know, brilliant.

Let’s get to it though- I have my first scan Monday since starting treatment. No better way to celebrate America than to contribute to the privatized healthcare industry. I guess the question would be “how do I feel about it?” Indifferent. That’s the honest answer. I don’t think I have felt this way about a scan before but it’s surprisingly refreshing. There’s really 2 outcomes if I simplify it:

1. The medicine is working- growth has stopped and/or the cancer is shrinking.

2. The medicine is not working- growth has continued and the cancer is not responding.

Maybe it is the active treatment that is putting me at peace. I have cancer, it has not been surgically removed so barring some miracle I am pretty positive that it’s still in there in some fashion. “Maybe it spread” you might say. That’s fair but I was slapped in the face with that back in March. Sure it could spread to other organs, bones etc. Let me be clear- that would suck but mentally, it’s not the initial “it’s cancer” that rocks you.

I have also only been on my treatment for 3ish months. If this was years and I felt great maybe it would rock me a little more if I found out that treatment was not working but I’m honestly at peace either way. Any anxiety I have (or Scanxiety) is just about knowing the results. I guess that’s impatience but whatever.

“But Joe, cancer spreading is not good,” you’re probably saying- clearly speaking to yourself out loud as you read this. Yeah it’s not good but as I’ve said before, I know cancer is going to be a part of my life for the remainder of my life- no matter how long that is. I didn’t make it a year without a recurrence so it would be naive to think that this will be the only time it comes back. Am I living in constant fear of impending death? No, that was last year’s fun. Not to say there’s not a mental circus going on in my head.

The daily reminders of life with cancer keep the circus going: my feet, a new rash (I’ll spare you where), fatigue, GI “fun” and more. You only really (temporarily) escape cancer when you sleep- IF you can sleep. Luckily I don’t have a problem sleeping, it’s the waking up part that’s hard!

Some good news- I have a medicine break coming up in about a week or so. Hoping like last time it “resets” some of the side effects a bit. While I enjoy soaking my feet in ice cold water at 6 in the morning, it would be nice to have them feel normal too. I have grown accustomed to doubling up on hospital style fuzzy socks though which, aside from setting my status as a fashion icon and trendsetter back, are quite comfortable.

More randomness:

• NASCAR is coming to Chicago. Hypothetically if I had a car my sponsors would be fuzzy socks, Imodium, Epsom Salt, pill organizers and lotion.

• All Goldfish cracker flavors taste the same- the color is just different.

• I haven’t heard the Kars 4 Kids jingle in so long. Maybe there is a higher power?

• I recently saw a message in one of my FB cancer groups that had the “Everything happens for a reason/God gives his strongest soldiers his toughest battles” message.

• The Bear Season 2….. that’s the message. Very Chicago still- even the music choices were great. Somehow better than season 1.

• Episode 5 is one of the best episodes of television I have ever seen.

That’s all for today.

-Joe