How to Not Get Cancer

If you’re reading this you might be worried about getting cancer yourself one day. Now I previously wrote about Why You Should Get Cancer. Now maybe you’re a rebel or one that rages against the norm. If so, you’re in the right place because I’m going to tell you how not to get cancer and how to prevent it. I clearly am not a doctor but I have learned from one of TV’s top doctors- Dr Leo Spaceman.

So let’s get started:

1. Don’t look in the mirror and whisper “cancer” 3x.

   1. Seems obvious but this is the quickest way to get it. It’s science.

2. Don’t touch cancer.

   1. If you find any open cancer laying around do not touch it for it is highly contagious. And flammable.

3. Under no circumstances should you ever travel to Cancer, South Dakota.

4. Do not be born from June 22 - July 22.

5. Do not handle raw poultry.

   1. This might be for salmonella.

6. Find the cheapest plastic utensils and plates.

   1. Microwave them a little longer for extra protection.

7. Make friends with crows.

   1. Crows can suck cancer out of the body by cawing.

      

8. Do not listen to Pitbull.

   1. This one is just a good idea all around.

      

9. If you attend sporting events as an adult, dress in full uniform and equipment like the players.

   1. Toughness is transferable. Plus you’re ready to sub into the game if needed.

10. Eat Himalayan blackberry seed extract processed through goat dung.

    1. Everyone knows this is the most disgusting effective way to prevent cancer.

11. Anyone that messages you online saying their cousin/sister/brother/aunt’s dog cured cancer with this unapproved method because the government is too corrupt- believe them.

12. Throw your cell phone away.

    1. The government is sending cancer waves through the phone lines.

13. Do not get any vaccines.

    1. They have never been proven to eradicate disease. They only cause cancer, autism, left handedness and more.

14. Think positive.

    1. Cancer hates it.

15. Listen to Taylor Swift.

    1. I’m pretty sure at this point she can cure cancer.

       

16. Physically assault yourself.

    1. Cancer will be afraid to enter your body if you beat it up randomly.

17. Don’t ever ever EVER be part of a team that composes political mass texts.

    1. You deserve it at that point.

18. Practice ancient medical techniques.

    1. Bloodletting, leeches, lobotomies, cocaine, ether and more. They can’t all be wrong right?

       

19. Eat paper towels.

    1. This will soak up any cancer in your body.

20. Don’t be a Chicago Bears fan.

    1. The stress alone will cause cancer.

21. Essential oils- drink them all.

    1. They’re essential for a reason.

22. If you see someone in public wearing a mask, yell at them and mock them.

    1. Cancer doesn’t like assholes so you’ll avoid it.

23. If you find a site that asks you to pay to reveal a cure or prevention- DO IT!

    1. We need to fund these heroes’ research further.

24. Don’t exercise.

    1. If you’re moving around it’s easier for cancer to spot you.

25. Sugar- don’t eat it.

    1. Deprive yourself of the simple joys. Cancer avoids those who deprive themselves of life’s simple joys.

These are surefire ways to avoid cancer. Thank you for taking my medical advice.

-Joe

For legal reasons this is clearly satire……I hope you knew that before this line.