It’s Depression

(Sing that in the tune of Under Pressure)

Disclaimer Time: I am okay. I’ll repeat, I am okay. This post is to shed light on some of the areas that don’t see the light of day often. Also this is MY experience only. Everyone is different.

Okay if you’re still here with me here’s the deal- the following is true and at times not fun. Again though, I am good right now and have tools (and meds) that help me manage all of this when I’m not good. If this post inspires you to do anything- go to therapy.

Might I recommend Dr. Richard Nygard?

Alright, now that some of the jokes are out of the way please look at this:

I didn’t send this today to have you look at window panes, half a Blackstone griddle or a winterized pool. Rather the window to me is one of the best symbols when I think of my depression (I will explain trust me).

So why the window? Well to me depression often feels like I am on the other side of a wall or window- I can see what’s going on but I am separated and alone. Now this is my mind because it happens when I’m actually alone but also when I’m with people.

Yes really. I point this out to say that no matter what depression can and does strike. As the saying goes:

From the 1st letter of Joe to the Substackians

Depression is not patient, depression is not kind. It does ruin most and it is loud. It does not recognize others, it is self-seeking, it is easily angered and it keeps meticulous records of all your wrongs. Depression delights in evil and rejoices in lies. It does not protect, never trusts, loses hopes and always fuckin perserveres.

Depression never fails. Where there are hopes, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will get louder, where there is knowledge, it will be replaced.

If you’re interested in attending my church all you need is mental illness- the more the better.

Okay, putting ADHD away for a little bit. So yes, my depression can have me in a room of people, no pressure or anything, everyone enjoying themselves and I can feel completely alone or invisible. Again this is all my brain and no actions on anyone else ever (reiterating for clarity).

So what does one do to fix this? Nothing. Thanks for reading!

In all seriousness there is no fixing it, unless……

But if you want to enjoy the few joys life has to offer a lobotomy may not be for you.

Therapy

Instead let’s start with therapy. I used to say therapy can’t hurt. Well my revised version is that therapy, if you stick with it, will eventually help you hurt less and less. Know that going to a session or even a couple will not fix you. To be truthful, therapy won’t ever fix you BUT it will be a tool you can use to navigate your mental minefield. Instead of your normal breakdowns at your brain’s old tricks you will have more wisdom and practical methods/strategies/practices to possibly get off breakdown boulevard before it’s too late.

*A few notes- Switching therapists is common- find your perfect match. Frequent visits are needed however that can change. Some people check in every week while others check in every few weeks, this is not a fixed process that can’t be altered.

Meditation

It works. It might seem new age and too “hippy dippy” for you (go see therapy above if so) but I promise you if you stick with it it will work. I use the Calm app but there are many different apps or videos out there. As with therapy, consistency is key. It took me weeks to find the “zone.” At first you will feel so much mental noise and be distracted by the slightest things but with time you will find a breathing pattern, favorite place and practice and find yourself locked in. I do 10-15 minute meditations and the best way I can describe the effect is this: imagine your mind is a flimsy large plastic dollar store bowl. Your worries and troubles are hot water that keeps filling said bowl. It starts to get flimsy and heavy and hot and you’re worried you’re going to spill and hurt yourself and make a mess and so on. Meditation is you putting that bowl down safely for ten minutes. When you return that hot water is slightly cooled off and now portioned into a sturdier container or even containers- allowing you to tackle things as you need without boiling over or losing your shit. Simplified- it relieves the mental pressure.

Exercise/Eating Right

I’m not an expert here so don’t take this is gospel here. But I can say walking outside or even hopping on a bike/Peloton/hamster wheel- whatever your choice is, it will help. (Note: If you hop on a bike please don’t be one of those cyclists everyone hates.) I’m at the point right now where walking is about as much as I can do but that’s okay. It really helps- not only is it peaceful and relaxing but it can redirect my anxious energy that would be logs in the fire for my depression and use it for mindless walking. Eating right is the easy one in terms of comprehension- we’ve all had late night Taco Bell/McDonald’s/Franksville/Five Faces/TBK/etc. In the moment you’re riding high, having a meal for royalty- kings and queens surely ate a garbage like bag of Taco Bell that is somehow slightly wet and for $12 you can feed a small classroom. But we all know the feeling hours later.

In practice though I know it’s difficult, especially when depression makes you want to reach for all the comfort food. Maybe start with avoiding eating late night, kind of an intermittent fasting style. And if you do gain weight you can just get cancer to help shed those pounds.

Psychiatrist/Medication

Any mental health meds you should talk to a psychiatrist. Yes your primary care could prescribe you Xanax but a psychiatrist looks deeper at the underlying problems. I used to be against medication for mental health. I thought you could do therapy or tough it out- for context this was also around a time in my life that had Trump been running for president, I may have voted for him (I am reformed). Back to the topic at hand, a pill organizer that rattles like spurs for a mentally ill cowboy. I have a few medications that all work together to make life more bearable, or, as I like to say it smooths the edges of a rough life. Any medication addition or change is also a process. You may have to increase or decrease, stop and start- all things your care team can help you with. Things my medicine currently helps with: intense highs or lows in emotions, anxiety, depression, focus, feelings of value or self worth and more. It pulls me out of deep spots of intense sadness or emotion and truly makes my life better.

FINAL DISCLAIMER:

This is my experience. I can not say that all these things will work for you but these do work for me.

Also again, I am alright everyone- well as alright as I can be with incurable cancer. Yay!

-Joe